My Adventures in Spark Land....Another new discovery about my feelings.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Ever since I was little, it never failed each year a teacher would ask what are your hobbies. Hobbies? What is a hobby? I would go to my 'perfect' mom. My mom, the school teacher, was clueless also. I heard things I liked to do. Hum the only things I enjoy doing is playing and watching TV and I didn't get to do either very often. Why? Because I was too busy 'cleaning house' 24/7 for my parent's.
Yesterday my son went to work on my car and I settled down to play with my direct tv now. My son showed me I could watch shows I missed watching on TV so I went back and watched a couple. I wondered how the main characters had time to do all they did and they enjoyed doing everything-then Mom's words came back to me 'it's just a movie'. My son came home frustrated because nothing went smooth. Then he tried doing laundry and got busy and his clothes dried too long. All of a sudden I started getting these familiar feelings I've been trying to place behind me. The feeling of I am in a rut, I am stuck, I feel hopeless I tried to do different things to mentally get myself out of that thought pattern but I failed. After I went to bed, I heard my son whistling and singing as he was fixing a snack.
I had never heard the term 'love life' until my son was 9. I always thought as a child of God our focus was to be heaven bond not loving life. I always felt 'Some day God will reward me for all the suffering I am going through. After all I am obeying my parent's by being their maid and one of the 10 commandment says to obey your parents'.
Then floods of thoughts hit me. Hobbies are things that you enjoy doing as you begin to outgrow toys instead of watching TV. Mom made everything into a chore. She felt just watching TV without doing something was a sin connected to proverbs 16:27 'Idle hands are the devil workshop.' My parent's were hoarders and when I look into hoarding, there is always a unresolved issues that is at the rut of the hoarding. My parent's without knowing it, wanted me to 'fix' their issues and they used Bible verses to guilt me into trying to 'fix' their issues. My aunt made me realize I could never 'fix' their issues. They needed to fix them. By them wanting me to 'fix' their issues, I took on the feeling of a hoarder. That feeling of being in a rut, of hopelessness, etc. Those are feeling hoarders have. I realized Which why my parent's couldn't make life anything but chores because their hoarder life consumed them as well as us kids.
I realized last night I want to enjoy life but what is holding me back is I am struggling with feelings of being a hoarder from living in that hoarder environment all my life. Even when I was in college and on my own, I had to come back and clean for them. Cleaning was rearranging their junk so I could vacuum, dust, sweep, mop. I need to somehow work on my feelings. I think once I start being able to get rid myself of those feelings then my bloated tummy will begin to deflate as well.
I am beginning to realize why when I prayed about goals for 2018 nothing big came to mind. Just monthly goals, memorize a verse monthly, read daily, etc. God basically said 'Get back to basic'. As I listen to God and follow his lead, so much healing has taken place. We are 2 1/2 months in 2018 and I have begin to cook and bake and eat from scratch not always the healthiest but I've learned frozen stuff I was eating was not healthy either. I am learned to try different exercises and only 10 minutes a day-some days are longer. I am no longer to live under legalism. These all have been hard for me. Now I realize because I was made to try to 'fix' my parent's issues, I took on the feeling of being a hoarder.
I am glad I am finally able to understand why I feel as I do. Now I need to figure out how to rid myself of this feeling. Yes my mom's dead and my dad is in a home but my single brother is a hoarder also. He is calling me stirring up these feelings I thought were gone.
Thanks for reading my blog.