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Daily Blogging 3-28-18

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Help, I feel like I'm drowning! Suddenly today I feel so discouraged at my slow progress and I'm so sad! I don't feel like cheating or anything or giving up. What I feel like doing is punishing myself by eating less, exercising more, anything to make it happen faster. I feel so sad and ashamed of myself :(

Ok, I'm going to try to talk myself down from the ledge. Bear with me while I work this out. I know it sounds crazy but it works for me.

Take a deep breath and let's think about it for a minute. What are you feeling? Ugly, fat, ashamed at ever letting myself get this far, like I must be doing something wrong if the scale isn't moving, like I deserve to be punished for being so fat and lazy and not taking care of myself. Why are you feeling that way? Because the scale has only gone down .5 pounds in two weeks, because my belly is still so big, because my clothes still don't fit right, because I lost weight a lot faster than this in the past and I'm worried I messed up my metabolism by mistreating my body. I'm scared that I'm broken.

Ok, so what is your goal for dieting? #1 is to feel more comfortable in my body, to not have chafing thighs or tight clothing. I want to be happier and have more energy. I want to be free from illness and disease. And I don't want people to judge my character based on what I look like. I genuinely don't care if I'm fat or skinny anymore, I just want those things that I listed.

So how are those goals going? I still don't fit in most of my clothes the way I want to, but my jeans I bought last fall are fitting again. I am definitely happier and have more energy on most days than I used to before I started eating better. I can't say one way or another if I'm free from illness and disease, but I know from the science I've read that eating healthier will help in that regard. I don't know if people are judging my character based on my body, but I feel like they are, so there's no improvement there.

So it sounds like you're making big improvements in your life by focusing on your food and exercise every day. Yes, but it's hard sometimes, and I want to have a real way to quantify my progress.

Isn't feeling great a good sign of progress? Yes, but it's subjective. I could be feeling great because of placebo, or because the weather is changing. I want something solid.

Well, it looks like we got down to why you feel so bad today. I think it's time that you realize that you're not going to see progress everyday. Health isn't linear, ever. Some days you do great and see amazing improvements, and some days you feel terrible and want to give up. You need to find pride in making small improvements every day. Remember where you were before you started this diet. Sitting on the couch, so depressed that you didn't think there was anything worth living for, trying to find comfort in food but finding nothing there but shame. Now you're eating lots of veggies, cutting out sugar, exercising because you actually want to, and feeling really good most days. Isn't that amazing?

You said that you don't care if you're skinny or fat, but you want people to not judge you because of your weight. Who is judging you? My family, my husband's family, especially my husband's successful hipster brother and cousins. They're so cool, and I'm so... plain. And to be fat on top of that, they must think I'm the worst person in the world, it's really no wonder they don't pay attention to me. I feel like maybe if I look good they'll think more of me.

That's magical thinking and you need to stop that right now. Changing yourself isn't going to make someone like you better. If they don't like you for who you are, they're not worth your time. You want to be a part of their crowd because you think they're happier than you, but remember that being financially successful and cool doesn't automatically make you happy. And you don't have to be like them to be happy. Are you happy right now?

Yes, I'm very happy. My life is full of joy and I wouldn't want to change it. I don't want their lives.

So then why are you trying to impress them so much?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I need to stop focusing on other people and just live my life. I'm fat, so what? It doesn't stop me from being happy or healthy, or from hiking or biking or running, or from giving or receiving love. The only thing that can stop me from doing all of those things is shame, and I'm going to throw out my shame right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great blog. I wonder how your brother in-law would react if he read this? Do you really feel he does not care for you? Does he pay attention to your husband? Maybe someday you will be brave enough to show him this blog. He might feel differently.
    969 days ago
  • HHOLT6
    It actually is great to write these thoughts down. The vulnerability is real. Your story is real and connects with me too. That inner critic can be loud- change is uncomfortable. There’s so many things that go through our minds. You can do this!
    972 days ago
  • no profile photo KATHY075
    Hang in there,I'm in the sam place as you, we can do it together.
    972 days ago
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