Day 12 - The hardest changes aren’t physical
Thursday, June 21, 2018
I’ve had abandonment issues since I was a little girl and my biological father messed us up. Because of that I tend to cling to friendships or relationships that I shouldn’t – putting more importance on them than they deserve and constantly putting others before myself and my health. I did this all throughout college – combined with a fear of missing out – and to show for it all I have is more debt that I could have had and no friendships left from that period of my life.
As I try to make changes to my life – joining exercise classes and finding a good balance in my life of fun, work (a full time job and a part time job), and responsibilities – I find it the most difficult to break the habits that have brought me companionship, like going out drinking every Friday night or impromptu lunches with coworkers when I have my own healthy meal – which leads to too much alcohol, too much food, and spending too much money… but not wanting to stop because I know I probably wouldn’t see that “friend” at any other time. Are they really a friend then? No. But it’s hard when you have so few “friends” and you’re not close to your family. It’s like my brain would rather pretend than face facts – which would be ok if I didn’t sacrifice so much to stay in denial.
My goal for the next few months is to make more decisions that put myself first – like bowing out of Friday night plans to take an exercise class that fits better in my schedule than getting up at 4:45AM after a closing shift the night before - and see who is left when the dust settles. Stop worrying so much about people who don’t matter because the time I’m spending with them could be spent doing something I enjoy more, and I might even make some new friends along the way.
It’s funny how physical changes are so affected by the mental changes you need to make first and along the way.
Had a great Barre class yesterday! It flew by, which I'm going to take a sign that the moves are coming a little easier. I still get those nervous type butterflies before class, which is so silly, but I'm still enjoying the classes.
Funny little side note - after class I was gross and in my workout clothes and such and I popped into the grocery store to pick up a couple of things I wanted for dinner last night (that I wasn't planning on getting, it was impromptu). I had to TALK myself into it... which is funny because I'm usually the first one to say "who cares what they think?" Most of the time I was in the market I was thinking, "I hope my big butt is covered" and "are they looking at me and laughing?" but every time I reminded myself "who cares?" and "screw them." I wasn't comfortable... but I forced myself to take a long walk around the store and you know what? Nothing. bad. happened. LOL. What a funny thing for my brain to get hung up on!
Hope you're all having a great day!