Tuesday, July 03, 2018
Had therapy this morning. I'm having a hard time processing it all, we talked about so many different things. My brain is trying to shut down. I've been playing a video game with DH to take my mind off of it, but it's there nagging at me. I'm going to journal on it later and maybe writing it out will help me make sense of it. Not that it doesn't make sense, it all does, but getting my mind to accept some things can take time.
I'm going to take today off. I'm mentally and emotionally spent and I don't think I can concentrate on much. I've got a headache as well. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I'm trying to take care of me, especially when I'm vulnerable like I am now after such an intense session.
I have a lot of healing to do, and some things I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, back to kindergarten. I've had panic attacks since I was 16. I remember that clearly. I thought I was dying, asked the teacher to go to the bathroom and she said no. So I leaned over her desk and said I was going to vomit on her if she didn't let me go. I spent most of first period in the bathroom, terrified.
I need to find my voice and use it. I feel like the girl in the movie the Labyrinth who can't remember the last words, "you have no power over me." Maybe if I keep repeating that, and start believing it, I'll find my voice and not let people walk all over me. I have friends now who don't, and I love them dearly. They may only be one or two, but I cherish them. And I have my husband, who let me talk it out with him earlier.
Healing is a long process. I went through so much, I don't know how to even begin. My therapist has been going a bit faster than I can handle and had me a wreck for about two week trying to work on something I was not ready for. I've asked her to slow down and work on my emotional eating first, which hits a lot of topics, and we went a little fast, still had my head spinning when I left.
Didn't work out today, emotionally ate some, feeling so drained and like a failure for eating when I'm supposed to be fasting.
Sorry if this post was kinda down, I needed to get that out and I need to not have another down day so that I can lose that weight!