A good day and a realization.
Thursday, July 12, 2018
C and I had a great day yesterday - she spent time in the office, was able to participate in a firm-wide meeting, took a mile walk to a nice restaurant for lunch, had a free Slurpee, and then her mom came and picked her up. It really was nice to spend the time with her.
I also got to spend some time alone last night - which was surprisingly nice. My wife's best friend got fired and ended up at a bar - so she went to play DD and to just be sure she was okay - which meant I could just hang out and read my book and sit in the AC and really have nothing to do. I don't do that a lot - between taking care of dad, the house, helping my family, helping friends, finishing the backyard, etc I rarely can just SIT. It was an unexpected treat. I also rarely like to be alone. Normally being by myself sets my anxiety off and I struggle. Especially when S isn't there - I get anxious, and then I get mad she isn't there, which leads to jealousy, which leads to being upset at her, which leads to all kinds of bad things. None of this is her fault and I have been working on it - so it was nice that last night that cycle didn't happen.
It also gave me a little bit of time to think. I don't really have friends - which is funny because growing up, I had a million friends! As I have gotten older, I have a hard time keeping friendships and I have just started looking at why. The thing I realized last night is that I don't really let anyone in. I make friendships very one sided - I am here to help you no matter what but I don't ever reach out when I need help in return. So then I end up with these friendships where I feel hurt, used, upset and then the friendship fizzles. I am not sure how to break that cycle - but it was an interesting observation. I also end up with friends that want someone to insult or use. They want someone to do everything for them but don't want to do anything in return - and since I provide them with that - they keep me around until I burn out and then they get pissed off that the rules have changed and leave. Might be worth exploring more.