Saturday, July 28, 2018
Will has become more and more depressed and I had to call an ambulance on Friday evening, because I was so afraid he would take his own life. He is living in a 4th floor flat and he has talked before about throwing himself off the balcony in the past. I really thought he might do that on Friday. When he becomes really down, he resorts to alcohol, and each time he has attempted to kill himself it is after drinking enough to stop him feeling the pain. He phoned Laura, his girl friend/partner, several times on Friday and told her she had to go over and kill him. When I told him I had called the ambulance and finally got him to open the front door for them, he told me they had to kill him - it was their job. He was absolutely wrecked on Friday and totally incoherent.
He is now in the psychiatric ward - they took him to A & E on Friday evening and assessed him today. I spoke to the psychiatric consultant and we both agreed he couldn't continue as he is. Last Saturday he overdosed on a weeks supply of his antipsychotics - not enough to kill him, but enough to give him a bad reaction which took him to A & E then. He didn't wait to be assessed then because he was afraid they would section him, but because of this they were aware of how he has deteriorated and of course they checked his records so knew about his past history.
I am just praying that they will keep him in long enough and manage to persuade him to accept the help he needs. He lives nearly 3 hours drive away and second son, Phil was going to pick him up to bring him back home to me this evening, but of course his admission has stopped that, so we will visit tomorrow and hopefully be able to see the doctor and give them our perspective. It's really difficult for them to assess because he appears entirely rational but he doesn't tell them all his horrible thoughts which tell him how useless he is and what a burden he is to everyone, or his fears about becoming a father and failing to be both a good father and a good partner to his girl friend, Laura. Their baby is due in just 7 weeks time. He probably won't tell them about his fears of going out into crowded shops and areas as he tends to walk into people and they are likely to think he is drunk when he isn't, or his fears of asking for help.
I can't see anything changing unless he learns to ask for and accept help and learns to count his blessings. It is now 4 months since he lost most of his sight after he overdosed and nearly killed himself in March. He is so fortunate that he does have some sight - enough to use his smart phone, enough to still be able to manage in his small flat. He is surrounded by family who are all desperate to help him, and has so much support available if he would only ask for it and accept it. He could build himself a bright future, but has to climb a mountain to reach that, by accepting what has happened, counting his blessing and adapting to and making the most of his situation. Some doors are now closed to him, but so many more could open, if only he could see that and could reach towards them.
This is Will and Laura on Monday. I went up to see him on Sunday and took him out for lunch and to do some shopping. He seemed so much better an on Monday he took Laura to the butterfly farm for her birthday. They looks so happy here but from Tuesday everything went downhill.