Back to it...
Wednesday, August 01, 2018
I'm not sure if anyone will read this- you don't have to-but I felt the need to post it to get some stuff off my chest.
First, a little about me:
I'm 44 years old, a single mother, have been in a relationship with a great man for the last 4 years. I moved back to my hometown after being in Chicago for the better part of 25 years.
When I moved back, I had no help, no hope and no childcare- So, my mother offered to pack up and move up north to help out. She was there for about 4 years until my son (he's 8 now) and I couldn't take it any more. She is not a good person- Every day I would walk in the house, after a 2.5 hour commute and working 10 hour days and paying 100% of her bills, and she would tell me how fat I was and how useless I was and how much of an embarrassment I was. She hated everything and everyone. She even started talking down to my son and telling him his mother was horrible and would rather go "party" than spend time with him. She called me an alcoholic, trash, drunk, whore, loser, etc...in front of him. She constantly called him names and told him he was stupid (He's in a gifted school and is basically doing middle school level studies)
She called him an idiot and berated me for leaving his abusive father. She thought we would be better off back with him instead of my new boyfriend.
Anyway- when it got to the point that he would cry at the drop of a pin and start saying he wished he could die, I knew it was time to cut ties.
For the record, I only drink maybe once a week- and never in front of my son. I'm an embarrassment because I have tattoos. She hated my boyfriend because.... he had a beard... yeah- even though he and I both bought her a car!!! I have 3 college degrees and I am a veteran of the US Air Force- yet she would constantly call me worthless and her wonderful son, who has been in prison most of his adult life, was king.
She hates that I am so supportive in the gay community and live for the arts and that I don't judge based on color, religion or financial situation. She claims "I didn't raise you that way"- yeah, thank goodness she didn't.
Needless to say- I told her that my son and I needed our own place- I was still willing to pay all of her bills and go rent a new space for me and my son. so we could have our space.
She decided to take the car I bought her, take the rent money and just go- I said it was her decision and I wasn't forcing her to go anywhere. She left- She is no longer allowed in our lives- I feel as though if someone can just go and cut off all ties to the person she claims she loves the most, she doesn't deserve us. It's been almost a year since she's been gone- and still, to this day, she is bad mouthing me to everyone she meets.
Before she left, she was constantly judging me and saying how fat I was- I was 170lbs- so, I decided to join a gym- even if it would just keep me away from her for a little longer at night.
She finally left Last October.
I was doing great- I was down to 150lbs. I was at the gym almost every day- eating healthy and was losing weight like crazy! Then around Thanksgiving, I got sick. I got that nasty Flu that was going around and a dose of double pneumonia. mixed with the mono. The stress of doing it "on my own" finally caught up with me. but, I was doing it and I was super proud of myself.
Then, after 4 years of being with my soulmate, we decided to finally move in together.(we're not the kind of people who rush into things...)- so, with the stress of finding a place, saving money, new job, being in poor health and never really recovering from my illness, I ballooned back up to 175lbs. Heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant with my son.
I finally have been seeing doctors for the past 3 months- and they say the pneumonia is finally cleared up. the mono is gone. I don't have all these chronic illnesses I was diagnosed with. and turns out, I just have asthma. Being on the wrong medication really screwed me up for the last year.
So, here I am, dropped my gym and joined the local Y- My son, my boyfriend and myself go every day together. a time for health. a time for family and a time with no electronics.
We have an amazing home, we have a cat, my son has bounced back and is doing better than ever- he's scored in the 99th percentile in state testing and he doesn't wish he was dead. Most of all, we are happy.
I still look in the mirror and hear her words, and I realize how bad they did hurt. But, I'm getting past it. I know I am loved. I know I'm none of those things she said. and I know It's finally our time to be healthy and happy. This time, I'm doing it for us.