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Success and (temporary) Defeat

Friday, August 10, 2018


Let's start with success!! I'm down to 216 and the bariatric surgeon says I may be down enough that the general surgeon will go ahead and take out my hernia. The general surgeon said he would not take it out till I lost some weight, but he did not say how much, so I'm going to lose as much as I can (means I need to stay on the shakes! and remember to walk as much as I can, but not too much) before I see the surgeon in two weeks. I can't wait to have it out. Then I will request physical therapy for my stomach/core and get to work on getting in shape.

And, I've discovered that not all jeans have the same shape and size for the same number. I'm in a size 18 shorts right now, and I can slide them off. But, I tried on another pair of size 18 pants and the legs are so tight I can't get them past my thighs! My size 20 shorts literally fall off me as I walk - thankfully I discovered this at home, before going out!

My surgeon and I discussed my eating and I've found some things that I've been doing wrong, so I've got to change a few things and then I should lose weight more quickly, or at least a little more quickly. I've been having condiments, like mayo in my tuna salad, and I'm not supposed to because of all the hidden sugars. Oh. That explains a few things. Like why I got dumping syndrome when I ate some BBQ chicken. Yup. It didn't have much sauce on it, but apparently that was enough. I've got to drink more water, I was doing really good at getting my 8 glasses in, but this week with my anxiety, I have not. I did not realize how crucial it is to weight loss.

I'm having another really rough day. Have been for 3 or 4 days now, I've lost track. I'm having panic attacks and severe anxiety. Migraines. I could list a whole bunch of things that are going on with my body that I've had to be to doctors and dentists to take care of, but I don't like complaining, though it may sound as though I am. I'm just frustrated. I want this anxiety to calm down so I can go about a normal day. This is my temporary defeat. I've not been working out much, I've not been going out as much as I should be, I've been stuck in my anxiety. I feel defeated.

But it is not permanent defeat, I know this anxiety can't last. It will eventually go back down to normal levels. I wish it would go away altogether. I will continue to do my coping skills and play and work with my puppy. I didn't get my hot bath yesterday, so I'm going to do that today. With some nice hot chia to drink with it... no, that has caffeine... so some nice peppermint or chamomile tea.

I've had three panic attacks today so far and it is only just after noon! I don't know how I'm going to make it through car line. I can't ask DH to come home early again, he is really busy at work and he already came home early one day for me. I desperatly need a nap, this is exhausting, but Hope (puppy) is wide awake, and therefore I cannot. She does great while I'm awake with her, and listens pretty well for an 11 week old. But she is still a puppy and without me awake to keep her out of things she will eat everything from socks to whatever she can find on the floor. She can tell I'm not doing well and has brought her toys over to where I'm sitting so she can play beside me. So sweet!

****
2 hrs later

DH decided to come home early and get the girls for me, so I could go lay down. Hope calmed down and laid down above my head and every now and then put her head on mine as if she was checking on me. She woke all the way up when he came home before heading out to get the girls though, so we are up. I'm huddled in a blanket in my chair. I'd much rather be in bed.

Then the trainer called and we video chatted for a little bit. I can go ahead and teach some commands to the girls, yay, they will be so excited! They have been wanting to do shake and some other fun commands with her, but till now it's had to be all me. Now I need to teach my husband the commands as well. She has to obey him when I'm not around, like if I end up in the hospital, he will need to be able to take her out for me and such, if she comes to the hospital with me. And if not, he will be taking care of her at home.

So much to do and get taken care of that right now it is overwhelming me! I'm glad things are finally being taken care of, but not while I'm having this much anxiety.
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