Starting Over - Day 329
Monday, October 08, 2018
I haven't blogged in forever, but I really want to get back in the habit. Honestly this is kind of more of a journaling process for me, than a blog, and the way my emotions have been lately it surely can't hurt to brain dump all these thought somewhere.
So here goes....
Things have changed so much lately. I am enjoying my BoxFit class immensely. I am the biggest one in class, and sometimes I'm the last one doing sit-ups (I hate sit-ups!) but I think I'm pretty good. Somedays even the skinniest girls come up and tell me I killed it after class, and it's just amazing how strong I feel being able to do those exercises. Some of which I'm sure the trainer just made up!!! ((LOL!!)) But I'm loving it. And seriously if you ever told me I would be in a boxing ring throwing punches at a professional trainer I would have called you a liar to your face, but I love punching. The bag, mitts, doesn't matter, it makes me feel strong and powerful! Just to clarify, I don't do any boxing at all, we either hit the bags, or go one on one with the trainer hitting mitts as she calls out different punches. I guess as a victim of abuse it's just very empowering.
As far as the abuse, I've seen the counselor/therapist lady 3 times now. She agrees that maybe my marriage isn't the best place to be right now, but honestly I'm trapped, so we are just working through trying to get me to a 'healthy place' mentally. She thinks I'm a good candidate for some PTSD therapy that might help me tremendously, however it's very likely that doing this will unlock all of the past that I have purposely blacked out and I'm not sure I want to open those yet. I know my mind must have blocked out what hurt me the most, which is terrifying when I think of all the horrible things I still remember. UGH!!!! But I have learned a lot in only three sessions, like people who grew up being abused, tend to gravitate toward abusers because its what they are use to and what they feel comfortable with. Its sad when you think about it.
Just for the record, if you think gaining weight is an emotional thing, wait until you lose it. I've spent my entire life eating my emotions, and know I have to feel them. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I still run to peanut butter and chocolate chips, but mostly I'm just trying to work through my emotions. It's not easy. Especially when you no longer trust yourself knowing the decisions you've made in life.
So as far as weight loss I am currently at 73lbs down since my restart. (A total of 83 lbs lost since I joined WW) The last month or so I have gone up and down, and am really hoping to break out of this cycle cause it's frustrating. I am doing WW - whatever those Ws stand for now. I enjoy it. It's easy and keeps me on track. Workouts, just in case you haven't read any of my past blogs or post, I started with Leslie Sansone walking at home dvds. I literally just did the warm up and cool down and then gradually increased to 3 miles, 6 days a week. Then I added in other things - TaeBo, TurboJam, and then a circuit training type DVD called PrayFit that I really enjoyed. I started with 1 lb weights and worked my way up to 8 lb handweights, and I would do that 3 days a week. Currently I am taking a BoxFit class at the local boxing club 4 days a week, classes range from 35 minutes to an hour. We have leg day, arms and abs day, Wednesday off, then HIIT day, and FunFriday - which I'm pretty sure is only fun for the trainer seeing us go through her house of torture. But again, I am loving it! Feeling strong physically helps me feel strong emotionally. I still do 3 Leslie Sansone miles (cause I love them y'all), but only on my off days from the gym, and I take Sunday as a complete rest day from everything!
Life is crazy as usual, I don't think I would know how to act if it wasn't. We are still homeschooling - my oldest, a junior, and my youngest, 5th grade, are doing an online school this year which is awesome!!! All I have to do is go through and write down what lessons they have to do for the week, and boom I'm done. It grades and everything. I love it!!!
My middle child, (8th grade) hates all things electronic and wants an old-fashioned typewriter and a rotary dial phone for Christmas. She is my old soul and way too wise for her years. She basically unschools and does a lot of interest led learning. She is intrigued by the history of fashion and spends a lot of time sewing and creating outfits, which I actually find hysterical because all she wears is t-shirts and jeans. She also is very artistic, so spends a lot of time painting, working with clay, drawing, and journaling in her Bible. The kids are all involved with various activities, Praise Band, 4H, Krav Maga, Piano lessons, a black light puppet ministry at church, a mother-daughter Friday Friends group, and I'm sure something else I'm forgetting, but needless to say we are in the van, a lot!!! But I love my kids and I know how blessed I am to have such amazing ones!!!
My marriage, well, we have separate bedrooms at the moment, if that tells you anything.
I'm truly just trying to work on me at the moment. I don't know if I'm lost or if I honestly just never knew who I really was, but it's hard trying to put me first and not feeling selfish about it.
And oh my gosh, if you have read this far you are amazing!!! When I said this was basically a brain dump I wasn't kidding. I just feel like I have all these things swirling around and around and I need them out of my head for just a minute at least.
Is this too much personal information, maybe, people tell me all the time I am real. I don't think thats a bad thing. I don't want to be fake, and here's my take on that. Let's say I have a problem, but when someone ask me how things are going and I say 'oh, just fine!' then they go on about their life and I still have my problem. But let's say they ask me how things are going, and I say 'well honestly, life kinda sucks right now, I just realized after 18 years of marriage that my husband is emotionally abusive', then maybe they are the person God put in front of me right at that moment because they too were emotionally abused and can be supportive, maybe their daughter was and they can hook us up and I can have someone to talk to who truly understands my pain, or maybe they just take a minute and pray with me, and tell me how sorry they are that I am in that situation. But if I'm not real how in the heck am I gonna get help! Sorry that's just my take on that - so if you don't like 'real' please don't friend me, cause I always keep it real!
Thanks for reading,