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Starting Over - Day 329

Monday, October 08, 2018

I haven't blogged in forever, but I really want to get back in the habit. Honestly this is kind of more of a journaling process for me, than a blog, and the way my emotions have been lately it surely can't hurt to brain dump all these thought somewhere.

So here goes....

Things have changed so much lately. I am enjoying my BoxFit class immensely. I am the biggest one in class, and sometimes I'm the last one doing sit-ups (I hate sit-ups!) but I think I'm pretty good. Somedays even the skinniest girls come up and tell me I killed it after class, and it's just amazing how strong I feel being able to do those exercises. Some of which I'm sure the trainer just made up!!! ((LOL!!)) But I'm loving it. And seriously if you ever told me I would be in a boxing ring throwing punches at a professional trainer I would have called you a liar to your face, but I love punching. The bag, mitts, doesn't matter, it makes me feel strong and powerful! Just to clarify, I don't do any boxing at all, we either hit the bags, or go one on one with the trainer hitting mitts as she calls out different punches. I guess as a victim of abuse it's just very empowering.

As far as the abuse, I've seen the counselor/therapist lady 3 times now. She agrees that maybe my marriage isn't the best place to be right now, but honestly I'm trapped, so we are just working through trying to get me to a 'healthy place' mentally. She thinks I'm a good candidate for some PTSD therapy that might help me tremendously, however it's very likely that doing this will unlock all of the past that I have purposely blacked out and I'm not sure I want to open those yet. I know my mind must have blocked out what hurt me the most, which is terrifying when I think of all the horrible things I still remember. UGH!!!! But I have learned a lot in only three sessions, like people who grew up being abused, tend to gravitate toward abusers because its what they are use to and what they feel comfortable with. Its sad when you think about it.

Just for the record, if you think gaining weight is an emotional thing, wait until you lose it. I've spent my entire life eating my emotions, and know I have to feel them. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I still run to peanut butter and chocolate chips, but mostly I'm just trying to work through my emotions. It's not easy. Especially when you no longer trust yourself knowing the decisions you've made in life.

So as far as weight loss I am currently at 73lbs down since my restart. (A total of 83 lbs lost since I joined WW) The last month or so I have gone up and down, and am really hoping to break out of this cycle cause it's frustrating. I am doing WW - whatever those Ws stand for now. I enjoy it. It's easy and keeps me on track. Workouts, just in case you haven't read any of my past blogs or post, I started with Leslie Sansone walking at home dvds. I literally just did the warm up and cool down and then gradually increased to 3 miles, 6 days a week. Then I added in other things - TaeBo, TurboJam, and then a circuit training type DVD called PrayFit that I really enjoyed. I started with 1 lb weights and worked my way up to 8 lb handweights, and I would do that 3 days a week. Currently I am taking a BoxFit class at the local boxing club 4 days a week, classes range from 35 minutes to an hour. We have leg day, arms and abs day, Wednesday off, then HIIT day, and FunFriday - which I'm pretty sure is only fun for the trainer seeing us go through her house of torture. But again, I am loving it! Feeling strong physically helps me feel strong emotionally. I still do 3 Leslie Sansone miles (cause I love them y'all), but only on my off days from the gym, and I take Sunday as a complete rest day from everything!

Life is crazy as usual, I don't think I would know how to act if it wasn't. We are still homeschooling - my oldest, a junior, and my youngest, 5th grade, are doing an online school this year which is awesome!!! All I have to do is go through and write down what lessons they have to do for the week, and boom I'm done. It grades and everything. I love it!!!
My middle child, (8th grade) hates all things electronic and wants an old-fashioned typewriter and a rotary dial phone for Christmas. She is my old soul and way too wise for her years. She basically unschools and does a lot of interest led learning. She is intrigued by the history of fashion and spends a lot of time sewing and creating outfits, which I actually find hysterical because all she wears is t-shirts and jeans. She also is very artistic, so spends a lot of time painting, working with clay, drawing, and journaling in her Bible. The kids are all involved with various activities, Praise Band, 4H, Krav Maga, Piano lessons, a black light puppet ministry at church, a mother-daughter Friday Friends group, and I'm sure something else I'm forgetting, but needless to say we are in the van, a lot!!! But I love my kids and I know how blessed I am to have such amazing ones!!!

My marriage, well, we have separate bedrooms at the moment, if that tells you anything.

I'm truly just trying to work on me at the moment. I don't know if I'm lost or if I honestly just never knew who I really was, but it's hard trying to put me first and not feeling selfish about it.

And oh my gosh, if you have read this far you are amazing!!! When I said this was basically a brain dump I wasn't kidding. I just feel like I have all these things swirling around and around and I need them out of my head for just a minute at least.

Is this too much personal information, maybe, people tell me all the time I am real. I don't think thats a bad thing. I don't want to be fake, and here's my take on that. Let's say I have a problem, but when someone ask me how things are going and I say 'oh, just fine!' then they go on about their life and I still have my problem. But let's say they ask me how things are going, and I say 'well honestly, life kinda sucks right now, I just realized after 18 years of marriage that my husband is emotionally abusive', then maybe they are the person God put in front of me right at that moment because they too were emotionally abused and can be supportive, maybe their daughter was and they can hook us up and I can have someone to talk to who truly understands my pain, or maybe they just take a minute and pray with me, and tell me how sorry they are that I am in that situation. But if I'm not real how in the heck am I gonna get help! Sorry that's just my take on that - so if you don't like 'real' please don't friend me, cause I always keep it real!

Thanks for reading,


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for sharing.
    198 days ago
    I just read your blog. I have been seeing your community feeds and I wanted to let you know that you have been inspiring me and that was BEFORE I read this blog. I have experienced many of the things you talk about and I am struggling a lot right now. I wish you all the best and it sounds like you are on the path to changing the things you can. emoticon emoticon
    237 days ago
    Hi, I just read your blog. Thanks for being so open about your life and feelings. On a different but related note, have you read Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. For some reason, I felt I should mention it to you because I think it's relatable to what you've shared.
    254 days ago
  • JIMA681
    Wanted to let you know that I think you are one of the strongest, bravest women. About 25 years ago, in my mid 40's I met and married another mide 40's lady that had been in a long time abusive situation with a fiance. It took a lot of years and love for her to completely trust me but we have survived and grown together. I have always thought of her as my angel because despite her previous problems I know she saved me. Never give up, your kids seem to be your focus for now and hopefully things will smooth out for you.
    285 days ago
  • no profile photo CD22994956
    Cannot believe I am just now reading this....prolly cuz I spark from my phone most days emoticon ....most of this I know already...but I am pleased to say that I have been watching your confidence grow....and on March 27 of 2019...you're on your way, beautiful!!! emoticon
    327 days ago
    Thanks for sharing! I too was in a mentally and physical abusive marriage for 15 years. 18 years after my divorce I still struggle so I understand. I love your strength!
    344 days ago
    Hi! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences...that's the only way we can let other know they are not alone, and neither are we.
    I was also a victim of abuse and it took me over 30 years to finally cut ties and run away from that situation. It was not a partner, it was my parents, and I survived physical, emotional and psychological abuse.
    No one can tell you when it's the right time to walk away, only you will know when enough is enough.
    I hope you find soon all the courage you'll need to stay safe.
    Keep sharing with us the real you, life has already too many fakes.
    356 days ago
    I SO enjoyed your blog and hope you get back to them. I have experienced many of the problems you describe when I was married to my first husband. He was a troubled guy that I met in Junior High School...went through High School KNOWING that he was NOT the guy I should be with but I was so emotionally ensnared that even when I tried to get away from him he stalked me mercilessly.

    I was terrified of the bully and only was able to break away from him after a 10-year marriage...when I wrecked his beloved Porche and thought he was going to kill me because of that. I took my daughter and RAN! He never paid a penny of child support...I felt grateful just to be away from him with my life!

    So I do know your pain in being with someone who controls you and it's a terrible situation. Especially when you have kids. If you ever need a buddy I'm here for you! I've been through some terribly sad situations in my life (lost our only son when he was only a few weeks from his 23rd birthday), now worried about my dear 2nd husband who I've been married to for 40+ years who had a cancer scare this last June and now has a horrible hacking cough. Your mind immediately goes to the scary place...has cancer traveled to his lungs?

    We all have our life challenges...we broke away from a group of frenemies we had for some 30 years because they are plastic, holier than thou, judgy people. This was SO hard as I have no family so always thought I'd have these friends to fall back on. Nope...that's not the way things worked out and actually, I'm relieved to not have to put up with their superficial attitudes. So just keep doing YOU...and remember our spark family is REAL (my fleshy friends called them 'fake friends'...nope THEY were the fakers) and we all support each other on our pathway to health and happiness.

    I'll friend you so I can encourage you...keep on keepin' on...you are doing GREEEATTT! emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I blogged through the sorrow of losing my son and it was so helpful to me. My hubs said, "Why are you laying ALL of this out to strangers?" But like you.....I just keep it real and it's mostly for me to make sense of the noise in my head...it's very cathartic! emoticon
    363 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/19/2019 8:26:06 AM
    Thank You for sharing! Glad your doing so much better. Sorry you had to go through that. You should hypnotize so you can face the evil in your life. That's only the way you heal.
    401 days ago
  • no profile photo CD23711701
    I know how it is to "dump" all your emotions on a journal page. I like to journal also. It is a freeing experience to just let it all out on paper. Just remember, your experiences make you strong. You can do this. Keep the faith and remember God loves you always and forever.
    429 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    It's smart IMO to get out of a bad marriage. I know a woman who was in an abusive marriage for six years. Her mother moved her out finally, and then made her go to South Florida so he wouldn't know where she was. Six weeks later she went with a new friend to a dance, but she didn't feel like going in and so she waited outside. There was a guy there she started talking to who had just broken up with his wife because an old boyfriend had moved back after getting a divorce, so this guy was really upset. They got talking. To make a long story short, they've been married now for 30 yrs. The ex of this woman has been married/divorced 4 times since.
    434 days ago
    I've journaled most of my life. Some days it really is a brain dump. It helps bring clarity and brings options into focus.
    496 days ago
    Thanks! I just learned you think I'm amazing! Hello--nice to meet you, even if it is just online. Apparently we must have something in common, as I think we've picked nearly the same background color here on SP for our SP pages. Blogging is a wonderful way to get thru life. Best wishes to you working through any/all issues from the past, as well as the now, so you can make your the best future possible! Oh, thanks too for the recommendation about BoxFit. I hadn't heard of it yet. I'm going to check it out. I too love being (and feeling) strong. Helps keep "old-man-time" in his place so he doesn't get ahead of me before I'm ready--if you know what I mean.
    497 days ago
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