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My Adventures in Spark Land..day 75 of 365 days...learned as a adult to say it 1st then listen

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

What is one thing I wish someone would say to me?

I learned as an adult child that if you want someone to say something to you, you need to say it 1st. I was totally shocked when my mom told me I never tell her thank you for anything she ever did for me. I am never sorry for my actions. The list went on and on ending with I am selfish, self-centered, brat! As I thought about her words, I thought I learned for her. She never said thank you, I am sorry, etc so I didn't understand those words were important to say to her growing up. I learned from what she said that you yourself have to be the example to others. If you want someone to say something to you, you need to say it to them.

For the past 20 some years my brother who was adopted and is 7 years younger, has been milking our family convincing them he was poor! He broke up with his GF when his son was 8 months old and everyone has been giving him everything ever since then! He didn't buy himself any clothes or his son, Mom gave him food or he would steal it from them. He has used my parent's or brother's cars, trucks, vans, etc. He would sell everything people gave him or his son for Christmas or their birthdays or anything he stole from my mom or my grandma. My mom finally whined enough to get him into low income housing. When mom died, I found out he wasn't even paying a reduced rent payment. He was paying top dollar which meant he was making a lot of money. Yet no one believed me!

This weekend it was my dad's birthday and my cousin's. Sunday we all saw dad all but my 'poor' brother. My cousin and aunt and a friend went in the snow on a train ride for his birthday.

Last night my 'poor brother' called. I told him about what our cousin did for his birthday and I was shocked what come flowing out of my 'poor brothers' mouth...

2 plus years ago he started to date my sister-in-laws step sister who has loads of issues. My married brother tried to tell him to keep away. The step sister/ex-girlfriend is now living with another man but her kids got very attached to my brother. Instead of breaking that attachment, she has encouraged it. Last night, my 'poor brother' started sharing all the places he has taken her kids and has done with her kids. (paid for train rides, mansion tours, etc) and all the places he has taken them to eat (apple bees, olive garden, etc) I got off the phone and I texted my married brother and said 'our parent's would have loved to have taken us all those places and couldn't afford too'. Dad owned a gas station and mom was a teacher and they owned a home on a lake. They would have loved to have taken my son those places also but they couldn't afford to and neither could I. They could afford to eat at at those places and neither could I. My 'poor brother' never took his own son to do anything! Yes 'poor brother' who can't afford to get us Christmas gifts or get his own clothes and food or his own car, is taking his ex and her kids all these places.

There isn't one thing I wish someone would tell me because I've learned you just need to say it first and then listen.

Number 40 out of the 50 ways to practice self-love is go to Disney Land. One thing my parent's never could afford. I live in WI. Over all my parent's took us on vacations yearly but we didn't go or do expensive stuff or eat at expensive places. One my son's birthday I took him to things around here which we never went to as a kid-zoo, fawn-doe-rose, etc. I think the author of the pin meant to do something fun. I understand.

Yesterday I thought about what a mess my extended family is in as the holidays approach. My 'poor brother' is in this very unhealthy relationship with my sister-in-laws step sister that he doesn't care what happens with his own family. No one has seen his son (age 20) since Christmas. My married brother is all about his in-laws. Which leaves me-my son is so entangled with his GF, I am not even looking forward to the next few months!

My 'boo season' fun yesterday was watching 'October Kisses'. I loved the Fall and Halloween decor in the movie! As I sat and listened to my cousin yesterday and my aunts talk about how much they hate all the Halloween decor in peoples' yards and what a waste of time it is to carve a pumpkin, I realized my feeling about things runs deeper then my parent's. It's my extended family on my dad's side. So it take's a lot of effort on my part to 'step out' and start a new. I am doing it one baby step at a time.

Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for the support.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RKOTTEK
    oh dear
    629 days ago
  • LUCYCAN7
    OMG emoticon
    630 days ago
  • HARROWJET
    emoticon
    630 days ago
  • LILIWHEELER
    It's really sad that your brother hasn't been there for his son or for your family.

    I'm proud of you for having the courage to step out and start a new!

    I'm glad that you are enjoying the Hallmark movies! emoticon
    630 days ago
  • AKA_TROUBLE
    You are showing that you can learn and grow as a person. Don't let anyone drag you back down.
    emoticon
    631 days ago
  • LINDA!
    My in-laws are a pain. I have no family of my own in this state. Therefore, we only have our kids and grandchildren. Since we cut out hubby's family, we have quiet and enjoyable holidays.
    631 days ago
  • SPEDED2
    Holiday time and family get togethers can be filled with drama, especially if you don't have the best of relationships to begin with. We tend to keep to ourselves from now until January. We've tried several different ways to celebrate family and the season, but none have been successful. Make your plans and if the others don't want to join you, it's their loss.

    Have a great evening. emoticon emoticon
    631 days ago
  • ANHELIC
    Great day and God bless. emoticon
    631 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Your family dynamics would be more than I would put up with and I am glad you're breaking free! You deserve to settle where you will be happy! For sure people learn more from example and DOING than being told. That's a valuable lesson you've learned
    631 days ago
  • 2BDYNAMIC
    Oh my goodness--the good thing here is you pegged this con-job "poor brother" who goes to great lengths for a hand-out. I have too had more than my fill of family dynamics and drama to last a lifetime. During the holidays, we keep to ourselves and save oodles for not buying bottles of Advil for the headaches we would likely suffer if around these clowns! .. Hope you will pick and choose too and love yourself enough.
    You make a good point about manners. Others (some that is) pick up on them and hopefully imitate.
    Best wishes to you..
    631 days ago
  • MPOTTER22
    You are breaking free of those learned habits, and doing great.
    631 days ago
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