Restored Hope (Mental Illness)
Thursday, October 25, 2018
This is not easy to admit, and is written mostly through tears.
It began creeping back in a few weeks ago, it was subtle, as it always is.
I felt myself becoming increasingly more tired, followed by less enthusiasm, more brain fog, easily agitated, fewer laughs and smiles to just knowing... it’s back.
Maybe it was never gone, perhaps it was only sleeping... regardless, it has returned. Not to the depths nor extremes as it has been before, but nevertheless, it’s here.
And naturally, with it comes the never ending questions:
Was there a trigger?
What was I doing that I’m not doing now, or vice versa?
Is it the shorter days?
Why did it get SO GOOD for months?
And why is it back?
I have recently come to the conclusion that God knew, He KNEW I needed to be reminded of how the light felt again. I needed to see how good life truly is, how good He is.
I won’t pretend nor try to deceive others into believing that I was “just having a hard time”, no.
My mind was in turmoil.
It never stopped, not for a moment. Despite my relentless fatigue, nightmares would invade my countless sleeping hours.
God feels so far when my depression and anxiety are present, but I search all the more fervently for Him.
However, in April, I stopped looking. I just didn’t have it in me.
I’m not comfortable sharing the specific details of that month.
I took it moment by moment and I’ll leave it at that.
The severity lessoned in May, and a little more in June. The end of July into August it began to lift completely, and September was the best month I’ve had in years. I felt so... alive and free of it.
I am grateful.
I don’t know what God has planned for me down this road, but He has restored hope within me... at the time I needed it most.
He DOES know. He DOES care and I pray that I cling to that guardrail of hope no matter how dark it may get.
I share these ramblings not for personal attention, pity, nor gossip.
But to increase awareness, to educate anyone who is willing to learn, to prove to someone else fighting mental illness that they are NOT alone... to give hope to those searching for the light and to encourage those who feel the darkness rolling back in.
We are not alone.
We are loved.
We do have hope.