22 years ago today....I was raped
Thursday, October 25, 2018
I got what is called a hard covered journal for my new gratitude journal. I'd like to share my 1st entry with you all...
*I am grateful for being raped. If I wasn't raped, I would not have my son.
The reason why I am sharing my 1st entry with you all is...22 years ago today I was raped.
The man who raped me has schizophrenia. He had gone off his meds the year before and had stalked me. He was picked up by the cops and placed in a psych ward then a half way house. He kept calling me and asking me out. I kept saying no. That night I saw him take his meds with alchol. I didn't know until the NP told me after the rape that that combo made his brain react as if he was off his meds.
I didn't go to ER but rather my own NP. She confirmed it was a rape. Before this I was so tiny my NP could not even get a pap now she could. But because I went to a NP over a doctor, because I said stop it hurts over NO, the DA would not charge him with rape.
My NP pushed my to abort telling me I, or my baby, or we both would die during the delivery if I carried my baby to term. I spend time in tears. I grew up not believing in abortion. The abortion date was set when my social worker got me an appointment with a high risk pregnancy specialist. He told me that wasn't the case so I cancelled my appointment. It turned out my NP believed in abortion and pushed everyone to abort.
I next went to an adoption agency. I felt God was telling me what type of parent should raise my unborn and the agency wasn't listening to me. No one was. They gave me a book to read entitled Dear Birth Mom. I cried through it. I sat and cried as the agency called with a couple in their office ready to adopt my baby. My heart's desire was to be a mom. Why am I adopting? Because I was raped? Because I was afraid of what people would think?
I spent time with mom's quizzing them on things I feared I could not do as a single mom. I spent time learned that the answering machine was my best friend as the rapist and his mom left messages. 1st he was dating someone and didn't want to tell her but he wanted to be part of the pregnancy. Then he wanted to raise my baby himself. Yep it was one thing after another. The rapist mom left messages wanting to be in the delivery room and wanting to raise my unborn baby as her own. She felt God was giving her a 2nd chance to be a parent since she worked 3 jobs and was never around for her 4 kids.
The emotional stuff I handled in counseling. But it was the physical every day pain that made me want to keep my baby. I felt no one but me was know what I went through for 9 months. Why was I putting myself through the pain to give this baby away. My counselor helped me turn my thoughts around from the pregnancy was a result of rape to my pregnancy is a gift from God. Yes I was raped but look as the beautiful God gave me as a result.
To the day my mom died, she yelled 'if only' at me. She could not see the gift of a grandson. She treated my son as mistake that tied her down. I didn't ask her to move in with her and help. She moved us. My dad treated my son as a caretaker. The other grandma abused my son for 9 years. But I see my son as a beautiful gift!
21 years ago today the police came to my parent's house and served me papers, The rapist wanted full custody of my baby. The rapist then walked out of his lawyers office a stocked his lawyers niece and her friends and the rapist was in jail before the papers were even served to me. Every year around this time he tries to contact me.
That sweet gift from God is now a 21 year old young man in his 4th year of college going for Ag Engineering. He is my gift from God. I am not pleased about the person he is dating. But I am grateful for my son.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog!