A Beginning and a Middle
Saturday, February 02, 2019
I'll make a brief introduction.
I'm Trace. I'll be 40 in two weeks and I'm very happy about that. I'm divorced and also happy about that. I'm overweight, and have been since the age of 13 when PCOS showed up fast and fierce and I gained 80 pounds in 3 months. That was less than fun.
I have 4 jobs. Not a typo.
Job 1 pays my bills
Job 2 lets me put money toward the future
Job 3 is what I want my future to be
Job 4 is what's left of a past career and also is pretty much my social life.
They're all important but they mean I work around 75 hours a week. Sometimes more depending on the week. I find myself stressed and tired, and while I love everything I'm doing (except some days job 1 involves a lot of vomit and stress so.... not so much then but all jobs have bad days) there's so much of it that I have a hard time juggling.
I lost 90 pounds many years ago with Sparkpeople. It was awesome. I worked hard at it but it was simple. I've gained 60 of that back and have tried all kinds of programs (Weight Watchers and Noom being the most recent) but found that they both led to me eating a lot less than I did here, feeling frustrated, even more tired and cranky, and not dealing with some pretty important issues.
The biggest one is this.
I eat so I can sleep.
I get up at 5:30. I get home from work at about 4, work until 7 or 8, and then want to go to bed. I'm keyed up and thinking too much... and somewhere along the way I got into the habit of eating and drinking to make the thinking (and feeling) stop so I could sleep. It worked. It still works, but I'm getting bigger and more tired.... and it's not how I want to be.
One of the things I've promised myself that I would do, is to blog in the evenings so that I can let some feelings out, maybe eventually let myself feel them more freely, and not keep trying to make myself numb. So here's the beginning of that.