In a Dark Place--feeling my way out
Sunday, February 03, 2019
Recently have had a bad flare of RA. I've been bed/recliner bound for three weeks now. Because I was in too much pain to get up and get drinks or to make food, I lost 10 lbs in about 2 weeks..... My husband never lifted a finger to help or to bring me something to eat or drink. 'Nuff said.
Today I'm going to my dad's so will probably regain the 10 lbs I've lost. He is a good cook. But i have not had an appetite either. I rarely can finish a frozen meal.....and those are pretty small portions.
I am frightfully weak. It is a comic event to watch me try to get out of bed....and that is with a hospital bed. My ankles are the part of me giving me the most trouble now...ankles and feet. My ankles are fused: One surgically and the other spontaneously due to RA. I'm on crutches and walking is incredibly painful. I try to do some leg lifts in bed and calf lifts from my recliner. My shoulders are in terrible shape due to RA...i cannot move my arms up and down or out to the side. I cannot lift anything heavier than a bottle of ketchup.
I don't mean to make this blog a whine and cheese party. I just am trying to paint a picture of what I'm up against. I have not been out of my house in three weeks. We have 6 steps down from our deck to the driveway. These steps were hell to me PRIOR to the flare. I can't imagine how much it's going to hurt when I go down them today to go to my dad's.
So I've been away from Spark for over a year. and in that year, I roller-coastered within ten pounds, up and down; back and forth. Right now I weigh less than I have in almost a year...since my asthma hospital admission last year put on 25 lbs from the IV steroids and I only lost about 15 of that 25. The last ten come and go as I have said. If I could only get to Onederland....in the 190's...I know that is still too heavy but I would LOVE to hang out there for a while.
I'm scared to come back to Spark. I think I am not going to get deeply involved...but I would like to be here more for the Team I lead. The reason I am scared is that I don't want to jinx the progress I've made. I think the more I think about food, the more obsessed with it I become. I need to find a balance...Not starving myself and not pigging out or making unhealthy choices. Also another reason why I don't want to hang out here as much as I did is because of the emphasis on exercise. Because there is SO little I can do and because it is with such deep sadness that I look back on times in my life when I was strong, active and in shape, it just makes me really sad. I am completely sedentary...so it takes quite an extreme reduction in calories for me to lose weight. I know how my body works and I know the caloric point I have to be at before i lose weight. The best thing for me is to forget about food. Eat when I have to but close my mind to cravings, even trying new recipes (If I could, which I can't) can be dangerous and feed the food passion.
I think it would really help my joints if I could lose significant weight. It would be much less of a load for them to carry. I'm feeling my way be patient with me.