Thursday, February 14, 2019
I need to get it out. I have never been particularly fond of Valentine's Day. My parents were completely unsentimental. I can remember being shocked when I was about 4 or 5 that Daddy came home with candy for Mommy and me. My mother didn't particularly like chocolate or sweets. I was not allowed. Our chocolate and candy consumption was strictly monitored. I was an odd child without tons of friends so the card exchange was always scary for me.
I remember in college not even checking my mail freshman year and by then I was cute and popular. The next day I found someone had left me a rose.
In our 16 years together DH has given me two stuffed animals. I hate stuffed animals. My late ex-husband gave me Russell Stover chocolates the year we were married which I believe he ate. Joe, the man I lived with after that did give me chocs but also called me Gordita. So, so much for that.
Kevin, who has been the love of my life, didn't really do it. Though I do remember one year buying a red flapperesque dress and going out for Japanese food.
Today has been horrid. I have been blue since yesterday. As part of selling the house, I have been decluttering so yesterday I went through tons of paper. I found that I was diagnosed with this condition 10 years ago. I should be grateful but I am not feeling it.
The realtor had a realtors' open house today. Everyone who came said the house was worth much, much less. This is devastating and hard to believe. I was able to go upstairs for the first time in months and understand. It's a wreck but one that can be fixed. Of course, struggling upstairs didn't help.
Now, as to Kevin, he is in a nursing home in another state and has paranoia and Parkinson's. I am trying to ring him every Thursday. "happy Valentine's Day, Kev." "You are two days late." "No, today is February 14." From there the conversation totally devolved. I can't even repeat it as it made no sense whatsoever. For example, he said something about my car and I told him I drive a Buick now. He told me he was surprised I bought a Swiss car. I always tell him I love him when I call. We have known each other since 1984 and supported each other through good times and bad. Today, he did not understand what I said.
I have a friend who is 95. I was speaking to her yesterday and long before it became popular, she told me I was unusual as I was so resilient. She told me that again yesterday.
I guess I just have to wait for that wave to catch me again.