Saturday, March 09, 2019
I joined this site forever ago and promptly forgot about it. I've continued to gain weight and about a year ago was in a car accident. It was minor but the mental and physical toll was more than expected. Already having hard to handle depression and anxiety trapping me in my head-and bedroom- more often than not...being in pain from severe whiplash and depressed at losing all the progress I'd fought so hard for (finally had started a temp job and getting my life back on track after a suicide attempt)...I found myself in this current situation.
Something is terribly wrong with my back. If I stand or walk for more than 5 minutes (10 on a good day), my back starts to hurt. If I keep pushing, whether out of necessity or stubbornness, it quickly gets worse. It feels like my lower back muscles are freaking out and being torn apart.
I got on muscle relaxers, and thought they were helping...but then today happened. We were walking around a couple of stores, having a great time. Two different stores, less than 30 minutes total...and I was in so much pain.
We were trying to get out to the car to go home and rest because I was hurting, on our way...walking became exponentially more difficult with each step. I clutched onto Ethan (husband) because I was sure I was going to collapse.
Once in the car, I burst into tears. I'm so afraid I'm going to end up in a wheelchair. I already drain so much from him because of my mental issues (and he's got his own to deal with on top of it)...the thought of being more of a burden to him or anyone else is terrifying to me. And that's hard to talk about and admit to people because I'm worried they'd take it wrong and act like I'm saying wheelchair-bound people are a burden. I'm not. In no way do I think that about other people. Just...myself...I don't know if that even makes sense