Becoming aware again.
Thursday, April 18, 2019
I spent this evening going through photographs and realised that I managed really well to lose the baby weight. I did that. Sometimes I have doubted that achievement because I didn't get all the way back to my original goal weight. I had a baby in 2015, and have been about 2kg above my previous goal weight for most of that, but it was fairly stable range between 55-57kg. Prior to that I had been maintaining since Dec 2011, eventually settling at 53.5-55kg range around April 2012.
But something has changed. I know the trip back home was especially hard, but I did not gain much weight when I was there. I am now about 4kg above my original goal weight (8 or 9 pounds) and struggling to get things under control again.
I seem to have stopped caring about what I eat.
My foot is getting better, slowly. I saw yet another doctor this week who gave me insoles that seem to be working. But he asked me not to run until my feet were comfortable with the insole. So, my gradual entrance back into running about two weeks ago has to stop again. I found that brief return to running tough. My legs have lost a lot of strength, and the run felt like work, rather than joy. I think it will be work for the next couple of months as I get strong again. That will be hard.
I know it's not the exercise, but I suspect the running meant that it was less obvious when I did eat more than I really should have.
The energy is just not there.
I have managed to keep posting my weight to the Maintainers Challenge (although I seem to be going in the opposite direction).
I have also joined a 5% challenge, which has got me onto spark people a lot more regularly and has had me motivated to track my calories most days this week. So, this could be a step towards getting back in the groove again.
I know that the end of the day it is me who does it. I'm the one who does not put the food that I'm not supposed to into my mouth. I'm the one who says "no". Yes, there is support, essential tools, but I make that decision. It is my responsibility.
I'm also the one who choose to track my calories. It's amazing what tracking for two days in a row does. I was still over my calorie count, but by about 400 calories less. I became aware again.
Maybe that's what this is all about. I've not wanted to be truly aware of everything that is going on and so I've been eating. Eating gives me that lift, but also makes the really hard feelings soften a little bit.
I went away this weekend for a conference and ended up taking myself to a lovely little Italian restaurant all on my own. I rarely get time alone now, and most restaurant trips involve monitoring a toddler, so this was a rare treat. I did not go overboard in my food choices, but I thoroughly enjoyed every single bite! I've just realised that most of the time now, I have half an eye on the toddler, so I don't get to pay as much attention to my food. Later that day I was still so full that I could not really eat anything more. So, I didn't - even though my mind was telling me I should be having supper. I remembered how much I enjoyed good food - and how when the food is good, I have no desire to overeat. I remembered the importance of eating good food, not overly calorific not-all-that-pleasant food.
The last two days I have allowed myself to become aware of feeling hungry again. And not eaten immediately, but told myself I'll be having a meal soon.
I think what I'm finding hard right now is that I can't seem to find "me". I know that is the depression. I know that is because of my current personal circumstances. In a way, I feel like I have failed.
Of course, though, failure is simply not turning up. And here I am writing a blog on Sparkpeople, so I've turned up, even if it is only a hazy version of myself. I saw a photograph of me taken about two weeks ago. I looked worn out and a little bit frumpy, and just not myself. It was one of those "something has to change" kind of photographs. That week, my husband's grandfather passed away. He was 97 and a great man who I got the pleasure of having as a grandad for just over ten years. So, when I looked at the photo a second time, I remembered what I had just been through, and I forgave myself a little bit. This is a trying time, and it is okay to give a bit of grace to myself.
A little bit.
But I need to keep turning up. I know it's hard right now. But this is why we are constantly reminded that maintenance is about adapting to life's circumstances. I managed to do it when I had a baby. I can do it while I work through depression.