Saying Good Bye to My Former Self
Friday, April 26, 2019
I have always been a people person- the one you come to talk to about your problems, your heartbreaks, your crushes and fears. Always a smile for friend, foe or stranger. Nobody knew my inner pain. The pain of being a fat girl
I had crushes too, but nobody took notice of the fat girl with fuzzy curls. I was everyone's pal, but nobody's gal. Restrictive upbringing kept me from participating in so many of the standard rights of passages the teens around me took part in. I never smoked, drank or went to parties while I was in High School. Never even was tempted to do so because I knew my parents would flat out kill me if I even thought of such things. So I sat at home and did puzzles in my room alone instead. I read. I dreamed. I ate and I got fat.
My younger years had been quite active, however. I rode my bike around my large neighborhood all the time, I played outside all day on weekends and in the summers. Kickball, softball, climbing trees, camping and going to the beach were also regular activities that my whole family participated in. I think I became more sedentary after my father retired from the military and my family moved to Texas. it was too hot to do anything outside. Occasionally we went to the city pool, but it was overcrowded and there was never any room to actually swim, so it had no appeal and so summer camp was my only physical outlet.
Once I started High School, my gym class was nixed in favor of Band, which included 2 weeks of heavy calisthenics and marching in the hot summer sun 2 weeks before school started, and continued until the fall semester when concert season took over. This pattern continued and became my standard of action, with no other physical activity and continued when I want away to college.
I became active when my children were born and kept up well with them, but once they were in school, I was back to being a couch potato. Home from work, make dinner, homework and baths for the kids, then sit down and veg in front of the TV until I fall asleep. Weekends were spent cleaning and running errands, but that was it. I didn't play outside with the kids and they learned far too early to stay inside and watch TV or play video games instead.
Thankfully, my son was in a lot of activities that kept him physically fit, and he maintains good physical form and is making healthier eating choices as an adult. My daughter has kept active, working on her feet, but has very poor eating habits. Though I shop and eat healthy, she buys junk food and eats poorly- no vegetables or fruits pass her lips. She is quickly becoming my size, frequently sneaking clothes from my closet. This concerns me greatly, but she is an adult now, and learned these poor habits from me, so I cannot really nag. But I have stopped all together buying any of this junk. We grocery shop separately, and while I do occasionally get her to eat some of my healthy meals, I open the freezer to find 3 or more pints of ice cream on a regular bases. Perhaps my disgust in what I have done to her has kept me from craving those foods myself. I find my only real craving is potato chips. So I try to substitute other healthy crunch things in place. Celery and popcorn have been my favorites so far. She is the one who encouraged me to get back to going to the gym, and now I go 2-3 times a week to her 1 every week or two.
I can only hope and pray that she picks up on THIS behavior and joins me in taking better care of herself as well.
As for me- I can say that my new healthy lifestyle and behavior has brought me back out of the fat girl shell and i no longer see my body as my enemy. Yes, I still weigh 295lbs, but now I see myself as more. I am a lovely person with an adventurous side. I have a wicked sense of humor and a generous heart. I love people and activity. And I absolutely LOVE going to the gym now. So watch out people- this ball of fire is hurling toward a new tomorrow and I am so excited to do so!!