Trusting. And good news.
Sunday, May 05, 2019
On Friday I was offered a job. Not just any job, a really career enhancing one, one where I'll be able to use everything I learned during my PhD.
These past few days I have been feeling a lot of feelings. It's all coming up as the heaviness as I have been feeling for the last year is lifting.
The interesting thing was how my appetite disappeared over the last three days. The desire to eat slipped to near nothingness. At the "meeting and greeting" lunch before my job interview I could only eat half my sandwich. And, that evening, after the interview, I didn't want any chocolate or ice cream after my meal. I didn't have to stop myself. I just didn't want it.
I know I am emotional eater, and so it is always striking to me when the emotional pull of food is absent. Especially after so long.
We must not ever underestimate the way life's blows hit us. The stress of applying for post-graduate grants and positions and the rejections, and family and friends needing me to be moving on and working again, got to me. I'm not proud of that. I wish I had risen above that, zen-like, but I didn't. This time, as I tried to aspire towards my dreams and goals, I struggled and questioned and doubted, and failed, and failed, and failed. This time, I have experienced the rugged reality of falling down and getting up again, tired, worn out and exhausted.
What I did regain this week was trust. I needed to fly to England for this interview and the day before I left, things kept going wrong. And, I realised I just had to trust the process in all of this. Know that however this worked out, my stressing out and panicking was not going to change any of it. By the time I finally made it to my destination (I even got lost in this city. My GPS failed me and I walked around in circles for about half an hour) I had found the humour in all of it. It seemed like a higher hand needed me to be running late, and I just needed to rest in that.
The next day, when I met my future colleagues and presented my proposal, I knew I wanted this job. But, I was also going up against a friend. Someone in a very similar situation to me. So, I knew that even if I didn't get it, the person who was going to get was just as deserving. I knew I had interviewed well, and that the panel had been fair and allowed me to shine. That was enough for me. The peace was there.
Now, suddenly, after almost a year and a half of waiting and wondering what is in our future, we have a direction. It is an extraordinary feeling after so long, and I can sense my mind wanting to slip into all the worries, anxieties, fears and doubts. But I don't want to go there again, not after waiting so long and striving so long for this opportunity to materialise. I want to be joyous. And I want to let this energy I have rediscovered focus on positive changes, like healthier eating and exercise, my husband and my son, and the willingness to trust, rather than panic.
Thanks to everyone who has commented on the last few blogs. I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement.