Starting Over In So Many Ways
Wednesday, May 08, 2019
If you go back through my past blogs, to those written during last summer of 2018, you can read my struggles with my partner etc. Well, I finally left him a few weeks ago. It was both one of the hardest and easiest things I've ever done. My heart still hurts, weeks on after it all, even though I am the one who ended it, because even now I still love him, but he was so bad for me.
Part of why I've gained so much weight back is because instead of going for a walk, or going snowshoeing, or eating a healthy meal, I would be spending time with him, drinking beer and eating junk foods.
I miss his laugh, I miss his arms around me - but lets face it, that happened rarely - and I do not miss the hysteria when he felt I didn't spend enough time with him (despite working 60 hour weeks through March and April as I work in taxes) or accusing me of being a whore wanting to hook up because I wanted to go dancing. I don't miss his racists and homophobic comments. I don't miss his anger, his lack of empathy, his selfishness.
I am working so hard now at picking up the pieces, getting the ball rolling again, finding my motivation. I have started my final semester of college now and will be graduating in the fall. I'm parking a few blocks from the college so I have to walk a little over a kilometer to get to school and back again to my vehicle. I hope to start going back to the college gym again. I'm taking walks on my quiet country road. My summer job starting next month will be working at a farmer's market stall and that will be physical and keep me moving too.
I realize this is partly escapism for me because if I am concentrating on tracking foods and exercise minutes, I won't so easily be able to remember that my heart still hurts. Part of me dreams that there's an alternate universe somewhere where we were good for each other and are happy together, but that's not this one and it had to end.
I'm 30 and I am starting over again and it's exciting and terrifying and joyous and mournful all at once. It feels a little like someone's died, and that it's my fault. I still feel like a bad person. I was so brainwashed, so often being gas lighted, blah. Life is hard. Emotions are hard.
That's all I've got right now...