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May 10 ( I hate cancer)

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Yesterday was an extremely hard day for me. The love of my life had to say goodbye to his son first thing in the morning. He was crying soo hard he was shaking. He told his son to make a good life and enjoy each day. I took his son to the airport which is right next to my work. I felt bad that I couldn't be home with Mike after hugging his son for the last time. I cried some in the car on the way to drop him off, but tried my hardest to keep it together. After I got to work, I had a major break down and was crying uncontrollably for a good 5 minutes before I could pull myself together. But everytime someone would come in to my office they could tell I had been crying and they would say something to set me off again. I was told many times to go home where I wanted to be. I am a dedicated employee and wouldn't leave until I had someone in the building that could fill in for me. It just so happened that person had a doctor appointment and didn't make it in until 1. By the time I was able to leave, I had a bad headache and I was nauseated from the headache. I can't take my migraine medication right now because of a medication I am on right now that has several interactions with other medications. I came home and wanted to lay down for "15 minutes" . That 15 minutes turned into a 30 minute total deep sleep. I woke up to the nurse from Hospice calling. My body needed that 30 minute nap.

Mike's youngest son graduated last night from college. He is now an X-ray technician and will start his new job on Monday. Even though Mike is very weak and has a lot of pain, he didn't want to miss the graduation. He began to get really bad before his son was to walk the stage, but he would not leave. I ended up having to give him 2 kinds of pain meds and his anti-nausea medication while there. As soon as his son walked the stage and got back to his seat, we were able to leave. He went to bed immediately when we got home and had a very rough and painful night. He is such a great father and a wonderful man. He is soo strong and keeps fighting this losing battle. I am going to be lost when I don't have him anymore.

Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis. May 31, 2018 is the day we found out haw bad his cancer is and that he would not be able to beat it. It had already metastasized from his right lung to his liver, bone, colon and brain. He has been fighting hard and just when we think his fight is over, he begins to fight again. We know he doesn't have much fight left in him now. The pain is getting too much, the fatigue is overwhelming, the loss of appetite is complicating everything and the weight loss has been too much. He has lost over 70 pounds and he was only 40 pounds overweight. They now have it documented that he is underweight and malnourished because of the cancer.

May 31st will be here before we know it and that will be another day that will never be the same for more than just the cancer diagnosis. Mike's father passed away 6 years ago on May 31st. I am not sure if Mike has enough fight left in him to make it to that day or not, but I know the rest of my life, the month of May will be tough and I will have to learn how to cope every year. Hospice doesn't expect Mike to make it to June, so I may have another day that will be difficult to add to the month.

I am learning to write things down and get them out of my head. I have found some notes I wrote several years ago and read them. It really does help to release our worries and share our joys when writing them and when coming back to read them in the future. I hope this blog post will be one of the most helpful things I will ever read in the future. I will forever remember this wonderful man God gave me for 10 years.
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