A reflective week
Saturday, May 18, 2019
The last week has been really uncomfortable as my fibromyalgia had a big flare up. This is not uncommon when the weather changes but it's really frustrating. If you're not familiar with the condition, for me it feels like I've got sunburn on the inside and everything is sore. All my joints hurt, my skin is super sensitive and the migraine headaches, well, they just top it all off.
My mobility is limited at the best of times so ending up bed bound in a darkened room seems extra frustrating but, in a funny kind of way, I think it actually does me good.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels they need to be supermum and do everything for everyone. Largely, that was how I was raised. "You need to be useful to be loved". Most of the time, I don't mind doing it all. A lot of my parenting has been to simply do the opposite of what I had so rather than piling everything on my girls because they'll "have homes and husbands of their own one day" I'm pretty lax on chores as I know they'll have to spend the rest of their lives scrubbing toilets etc.
Sometimes, though, I genuinely need help but asking for it is really tough. Firstly, there's the internal "you don't deserve help" dialogue going on, backed up by the "stop whining, just get up and do it" and "nobody cares" threads. When I do ask for help with something and, unsurprisingly, my teenage daughters don't leap into action then I feel I'm nagging and give up. Hubby is no better. He knows I'm in so much pain I can't hold a tea cup (nightmare for a Brit!) yet he disappears out with his nephews for the weekend, not getting home till 10pm two days running and wondering why I blew up at him when he asked where his dinner was (answers on a postcard, please, lol).
Despite that inner voice whispering I'm not worth caring for, I know I am. My hubby and daughters aren't unfeeling, just lazy and used to me doing everything because I don't stand up for myself. It's not that they didn't notice that I was bed ridden, just that they are as self-absorbed as most teenagers. Me being ill is hardly a novelty, after all.
It shouldn't take me blowing my lid for the rest of the family to pitch in and help but I'm not blameless. I ask, they ignore, I nag once then give up and do it myself - not helpful. If nothing else, this week has reminded me that nobody but me cares (or even notices) about keeping a clean house but that doesn't mean I'm the only one that has to do it all. I need to invest more energy into training my family while I have the strength so next time I'm down the ship doesn't sink with me.