Saturday, May 18, 2019
Me: I need help with rent.
Assistance Office: Do you have proof of income for the last 30 days?
Me: No, I have no income.
Assistance Office: You need income to be eligible for our programs.
Me: I need childcare in order to work. My daughter just started part-time at Head Start (MWF 0830-1430) and I can only work while she is there. In order to work more, I need money to pay for childcare; I need work to have money; but if I have money, I need to pay my rent. Oh, and I'm not eligible for Childcare Subsidy because you have to be working or in school for a minimum of 20 hours per week, along with meeting the income eligibility requirements.
I don't know how to make things happen that need to happen. I feel trapped. I'm alone. I missed my meds for two days while M was in the hospital because no one with a key could make time to help me and nobody else could make time to come sit with her so that I could run home. You're supposed to be able to count on family but they've spent my whole life letting me down, broken promise piled on broken promise and empty words that are meant to make you feel better but don't because you know they aren't true. And you can't rely on the friends you have that say they will be there for you because they aren't, not when you need them. They're too busy living their own lives: brunch with the family, dance recital rehearsal since your husband can't possibly go in your stead, dinner with the 'rents. Heaven forbid they go home and get the key and make the trip back over the bridge to grab what you need OR skip the karate lesson (when you've missed so many others for less) to come sit with your sick 4 year old so that you can run home.
Depressed. Feeling more helpless, hopeless, worthless than I have in YEARS. They have their "perfect" lives. Why would anyone bother helping little old me? I just keep needing more and more instead of being able to get the help and use it as a step up. The rain storm has turned into a monsoon, and it isn't ending. Everyone says that you have to believe it will work out but that is so much easier said than done when it just keeps getting piled on and everything is always so much more complicated than it should be (like the above conversation). How do you stand when you can't even get up off of the floor onto your knees because there is always something hacking at your legs? I don't know what to do. I keep praying and in my heart I want to believe but I don't, not really. The thing that makes me struggle so much with my faith is knowing that there are A LOT of people out there that have it even worse than I do. How do you have faith in a loving and kind God when there is so much suffering in this world?!?!?!
I don't know what I would do without SP and my Knitting chatroom on Kik. I have no one else, not in actuality.