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Vicious Cycle...

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Me: I need help with rent.
Assistance Office: Do you have proof of income for the last 30 days?
Me: No, I have no income.
Assistance Office: You need income to be eligible for our programs.
Me: I need childcare in order to work. My daughter just started part-time at Head Start (MWF 0830-1430) and I can only work while she is there. In order to work more, I need money to pay for childcare; I need work to have money; but if I have money, I need to pay my rent. Oh, and I'm not eligible for Childcare Subsidy because you have to be working or in school for a minimum of 20 hours per week, along with meeting the income eligibility requirements.

I don't know how to make things happen that need to happen. I feel trapped. I'm alone. I missed my meds for two days while M was in the hospital because no one with a key could make time to help me and nobody else could make time to come sit with her so that I could run home. You're supposed to be able to count on family but they've spent my whole life letting me down, broken promise piled on broken promise and empty words that are meant to make you feel better but don't because you know they aren't true. And you can't rely on the friends you have that say they will be there for you because they aren't, not when you need them. They're too busy living their own lives: brunch with the family, dance recital rehearsal since your husband can't possibly go in your stead, dinner with the 'rents. Heaven forbid they go home and get the key and make the trip back over the bridge to grab what you need OR skip the karate lesson (when you've missed so many others for less) to come sit with your sick 4 year old so that you can run home.

Depressed. Feeling more helpless, hopeless, worthless than I have in YEARS. They have their "perfect" lives. Why would anyone bother helping little old me? I just keep needing more and more instead of being able to get the help and use it as a step up. The rain storm has turned into a monsoon, and it isn't ending. Everyone says that you have to believe it will work out but that is so much easier said than done when it just keeps getting piled on and everything is always so much more complicated than it should be (like the above conversation). How do you stand when you can't even get up off of the floor onto your knees because there is always something hacking at your legs? I don't know what to do. I keep praying and in my heart I want to believe but I don't, not really. The thing that makes me struggle so much with my faith is knowing that there are A LOT of people out there that have it even worse than I do. How do you have faith in a loving and kind God when there is so much suffering in this world?!?!?!

I don't know what I would do without SP and my Knitting chatroom on Kik. I have no one else, not in actuality.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    A big HUG. I hope M is doing better and sorry you don’t have anyone that can help you out. You’ve got it hard right now but please keep the faith. I know that is hard when the weight of the world is pressing down but somehow the sun will come out.
    156 days ago
    I am so very sorry. It is indeed sad families and friends no longer support each other.
    157 days ago
    I hope you find help soon. I hope someone who broke a promise comes through in another way.
    157 days ago
    I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I'm sure half of us here can relate to your situation. I used to clean houses for other people when my children were small, just so that I could work around their school timetable. I'm really sorry that someone could not make time for you to go home. It seems to be something that is missing from the world today. As Ajahn Brahm (leader of the buddhist Society in Western Australia) says we are human goings and not human beings anymore.
    157 days ago
    hi there is nothing easy about what u are going thru, i have been in a similar situation a long time ago. except i was married, he was a long haul trucker and never home... i quit smoking so i could feed my babies.. thats when a carton was $5... yaah a long time ago... but u never forget the attitude of the people around u... wishing someone would help.. time, money, food, just hanging out with u.... what i learned then was self reliance.. planning things out. saving pennies where i could...
    I had no skills no job either.. i got a retail job cashiering part time. that helped with finances. namely food and the power bill..
    Right now you need to slow down your mind and enjoy your little girl and make it the best time of your life. she will grow up quickly. U will b the survivor of your story...
    emoticon if u need to talk to someone u can message me anytime
    157 days ago
    157 days ago
    So sorry you are going through such a rough time. I will pray for you. Please don't lose your faith in God. I know that is easier said than done. There should be places out there to help. I will pray that some one will come into your life to help you
    157 days ago
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