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get back on it

Saturday, May 18, 2019

i can hardly fill in the last six years here in one post, and it's not really what i'm here for.

i've gone off testosterone 6 months ago, in order to increase my chances of getting pregnant. it felt okay the first few months, but now my dysphoria is starting to take over my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about going to the gym or the pool but feeling too frozen and ashamed of my body to imagine getting through the locker room.

i'm at a healthy weight and have been for a long time. i'm not sure if i'd like to lose (the inner eating disorder voice says yes always, but i'm learning not to listen) but i'd like to do what i can to lose a little body fat and gain some muscle. testosterone was like a magic potion that made me feel safe in my body. it squared out my torso and hips, broadened my shoulders. i didn't look like a man, i just didn't look like a woman.

after almost 10 years of gluten free living and over 2 years of treating my crohn's with a restrictive diet, i have been experimenting with eating gluten again for the last year. but while my gut has healed quite a lot and seems to be able to digest it, my lack of energy, joint inflammation, and weight redistribution have caused me a lot of angst lately. so i'm going to try no bread, yeast, or sugar for a little while.

my hope is that this will be the little kick i need. i'm not going totally gluten-free again, at least not right now. but i'd also like to commit to 2 days a week of swimming and 2 days a week of weightlifting. :[] yikes! scary! but as bad as it feels to be in the locker room, i know how good it feels in the pool/gym.
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  • KELLIEBEAN
    I just read your other blogs to learn a little more about you. We went through some dark years with my daughter and her eating disorder. She's a recovering bulimic, donates her time with N.E.D.A. and continues to see her therapist once a week. She's doing very well but there are always struggles.

    I wish I could walk into the locker room with you, lend you some support. I hope you find a way to go. You deserve this!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon


    151 days ago
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