get back on it
Saturday, May 18, 2019
i can hardly fill in the last six years here in one post, and it's not really what i'm here for.
i've gone off testosterone 6 months ago, in order to increase my chances of getting pregnant. it felt okay the first few months, but now my dysphoria is starting to take over my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about going to the gym or the pool but feeling too frozen and ashamed of my body to imagine getting through the locker room.
i'm at a healthy weight and have been for a long time. i'm not sure if i'd like to lose (the inner eating disorder voice says yes always, but i'm learning not to listen) but i'd like to do what i can to lose a little body fat and gain some muscle. testosterone was like a magic potion that made me feel safe in my body. it squared out my torso and hips, broadened my shoulders. i didn't look like a man, i just didn't look like a woman.
after almost 10 years of gluten free living and over 2 years of treating my crohn's with a restrictive diet, i have been experimenting with eating gluten again for the last year. but while my gut has healed quite a lot and seems to be able to digest it, my lack of energy, joint inflammation, and weight redistribution have caused me a lot of angst lately. so i'm going to try no bread, yeast, or sugar for a little while.
my hope is that this will be the little kick i need. i'm not going totally gluten-free again, at least not right now. but i'd also like to commit to 2 days a week of swimming and 2 days a week of weightlifting. : yikes! scary! but as bad as it feels to be in the locker room, i know how good it feels in the pool/gym.