Day Six: Holding On Too Tight, It Slips Through Your Fingers
Sunday, May 19, 2019
So this weekend has been a little surreal. There's more pressure to produce more material now and to produce it faster. My friend Jim can relate, I'm sure. Right now I'm a poet and creating poetry is whatever, I can produce a poem for an editor in a couple of minutes. I used to throw my poems away, that's how produceable they are. I need to start writing short stories because I can get 3 cents per word for them. Short stories are not something I do ordinarily I'm usually a poem or novel person. That's going to have to change I suppose. And the idea of doing articles? I never considered it, I don't generally do nonfiction as I feel one should have concrete credentials to do nonfiction. Although I do have a certificate in mindfulness so I would consider doing some articles on mindfulness and I also have intentions of attending Naropa U for more classes on Buddhism with the intent of doing some Buddhist writing but right now my first priority is to get a degree in strategic communications.
I'm starting to get used to the fasting schedule. I do it pretty automatically now without really having to think about the hours I'm doing it and often it's past 3PM when I do remember to eat. I don't feel hungry and actually feel overly full when I wake up in the morning lately which I don't like so I want to cut down on what I'm eating during my eating hours or eat less heavy food. The IE people have a lot of criticism for "air food" but that kind of food seems to sit better on my stomach when I wake up in the morning rather than substantial food and I think this is because of my binge eating days I can no longer tolerate the feeling of being too full. Don't worry about me wasting away, though, as I'm not sure I'm capable of losing weight anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be at my set point weight no matter what I eat eventually anyway so. I'm not going to fight biology. I have better things to do with my time than try to manipulate my weight.
Meditation...it just is. Depends on what you're looking for from it. Have had a busy mind to tame and been practicing one-pointedness more than anything analytical. Doing a lot of unguided meditations lately which is probably what I need.
I was super sore in my legs especially and in my arms a bit, too, from karate for a couple of days, so I know I'm really putting in the effort in class. I know I need to be exercising outside of class, too, or I'm never going to progress the way I want to/need to but I've been tied to my work and then exhausted at the end of the day. Normally I work out when I first wake up but my schedule has been pretty compressed lately. I know these are all just excuses, there's no real reason for it and I'm actively choosing what is included in my schedule and what isn't. The reason I've not included fitness in my schedule is because I really like fitness. So if I start exercising again, that may pull me away from my work and then I'm not showing up for my job in the way that I want to. I know that's a worst case scenario type thinking but I have a habit of always imagining the worst thing that could happen. Hobbies are hobbies and work is work, I know, and life shouldn't be totally consumed by your job so I need to learn to set aside a few hours for other pursuits.
One thing I've noticed is that a lot of us will lose a significant amount of weight, but in the grand scheme of things, will start gaining the weight back and have to spend an enormous amount of energy fighting with the same pounds. And it feels unnecessary to me. All the mental energy I wasted fighting with regain that I could've spent on important things. Focusing on the number on the scale is a defeat. It only keeps you trapped in a cage of self conscious disempowerment. Why fall prey to that trap?