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Sunday, May 19, 2019

So ever so often, and by that I mean nearly daily, one of my wonderful SparkBuddies will post an inspirational blog about why they're here or the struggles they may have faced. I always read them, get misty eyed but I never have sat down and tried to figure out 'my story'. Well I've been tasked/challenged/cattle prodded (you get the idea) that I need to take a moment and look at myself.

It's a long, LONG story. I was always a 'big' girl. I was a large toddler, biggest in my kindergarten class, and on and on. I will never forget the day that I learned I'd hit 200 lbs. My beloved grandfather (being of old-schooled country mindset that BIG is best) thought it would be a great idea to weigh me in the middle of the living room...I was 14. There was no malice, no hatred and only love from him. But that was the point that I started hating myself.

I had been teased, hounded and belittle all through middle school and high school. Never had a boyfriend because I was always the 'fat' friend. It was so bad even people who didn't even know me called me Big Erika (3 Erika's in the school, I was the only black one but I was identified as the Big/Fat one). I survived it. Smiled through the pain, was grateful that my boobs were big enough to hide my gut but still knowing that I was fat. I graduated in 1989 and I weight 228 pounds. Yep, I know this. Don't ask me anyone's name from HS, or my address when I graduated but I can tell you what I weighed.

Looking back, I can identify every monumental moment in my life by my weight. If I kept going through each moment it would be a novel, not a blog, so here's the short list. It's still not very pretty...

* I got married at my all time lowest of 185
* My first born, I topped the scales at 279
* My 2nd born, I went even higher to 285
* Male-spawn's first day of school - 201 (could never get to ONE-derland)
* Fem-Spawns first day of school - 230
* Realized my marriage was in danger - 280
* Took my Spawn and moved back to US - 220
* Failed restart #62 (queue sarcasm) - 260
* Met my Beastie (aka my BF) - 230
* Most recently (and last) restart - 279

In addition, the Negative Nancy in my brain keeps going back to the same question..."What girl in her right mind would try to weigh what they weighed at 14." I get to this point with not too may issues but it's always around 230 that the voices get loud in my mind. I feel like I'm having an non-stop internal battle and it's exhausting.

So here I am at that 230 (ok 227) point again. After all this negative, I have to spew some positivitey into the air (Libras are always about balance)...

* Following the steps is working. CICO is my plan and it works for me.
* I have consistently worked and reworked my plan (mostly workout) to continue my success
* I don't shy away from the hard stuff. I just do what I can.
* I try to drag, I mean motivate, those I know to come do things with me
* I stand my ground against the loving sabotages my family does
* I'm still walking the walk, not just talking the talk

Looking at it I see the roller coaster, and I guess the positive is that I've successfully lost significant amounts many times over so I kinda know the process. But the maintaining has never worked. So here I am losing again and I'm keeping the screaming demon in my head at bay. They say habits are formed after 2-3 months...for me I guess I'm a slow learner. We'll have to look for my new 'habits' after a year.

Til then,

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for sharing and trusting us with your journey.
    144 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your journey.
    153 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your story. My real weight problems started with my first pregnancy. When I started here in 2008 I had great success and lost 89 lbs. managed to keep it off for 2 years, stopped coming here (SparkPeople) blah blah gained weight back but didn’t go back to 220, from them I would start, lose the weight, keep it off for about 2 years etc. I too have trouble maintaining. MISSTRESSOFHORROR manages to give me the kick 8n the butt that I needed to get restarted...Maybe together we can all learn to maintain.
    You are a strong woman, I can see that in your story!
    153 days ago
    That's a great story. Thanks for sharing.

    Except the being weighed in the middle of the living room thing. I'd be all "Grandpa, I love you and you're great, but what in the ever-lovin' bleep bleepy de bleep bleep bleep are you even THINKING?"
    153 days ago
    I can tell you that I weighed 187 pounds when I graduated the 8th grade. We had to get graduation robes, and we had to put down our height and weight. And I was terrified to lie and not have my gown fit. So yeah, I get having those numbers stuck in your head. And I totally get the roller coaster... I'm at the start of my third major attempt to lose a massive amount of weight. I was 286 the first time. 312 the second time. And 299.7 this time. Getting all too close to that 300-mark is part of the fire underneath me this time.

    I also get the Negative Nancy voices. She's a really B!#@$!!! But there are sooooooo many ways to get past her and tune her out. We'll both get there!
    154 days ago
  • DEE797
    Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Just keep moving forward...You've Got This!! Wishing you success on your journey!!
    154 days ago
    I started coming to Sparkpeople again sometime near fall of 2018. After retiring, 2014, I gradually became less and less active--which, of course, led to less and less healthy, along with more and more weight. I'm here to tell ya, that old saying use it or loose it is def true! Joined the fall 2018 5%, but too late to get in a team, but hung around the airport anyway luckily, because that's when I read a blog that finally really 'sparked' me into some action. Did 1st 5% winter 2019. Had went back into bad habits over holidays, but must say, although I didn't loose 5%, I lost some, and developed some healthy habits. By the time Spring 2019 started, I'd gained back what I lost, and Negative Nancy was in full force in my head. I beat her back to look at my non scale victories: I have only missed 1 day of excercising everyday since I started, and was physically unable that one day, I have consistently logged food whether good or bad, every day, I've increased water intake again, I have logged into Spark everyday, but most importantly, I have stuck to 'it' (still to be defined completely, that elusive 'it') for. 5 months--something I have NEVER done before. I know I need to up my game so I don't keep spinning without really getting somewhere, but I'm trying to make only changes I know I can maintain, forever. For me, that means no extremes of anything, Meanwhile, while my progress is frustratingly slow, I'm proud of sticking to it, and I am feeling better physically. Because you are pushing much harder than I, I think you will get to wonderland before me--but, by golly, I intend to get there too, and I intend that you will be there waiting to welcome me to wonderland! So, I guess my point is, you are stuck with my intentions, lol, so you will get there---and stay there--until I join you. Then, we can both figure out where to go next!!
    154 days ago
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