Sunday, May 19, 2019
So ever so often, and by that I mean nearly daily, one of my wonderful SparkBuddies will post an inspirational blog about why they're here or the struggles they may have faced. I always read them, get misty eyed but I never have sat down and tried to figure out 'my story'. Well I've been tasked/challenged/cattle prodded (you get the idea) that I need to take a moment and look at myself.
It's a long, LONG story. I was always a 'big' girl. I was a large toddler, biggest in my kindergarten class, and on and on. I will never forget the day that I learned I'd hit 200 lbs. My beloved grandfather (being of old-schooled country mindset that BIG is best) thought it would be a great idea to weigh me in the middle of the living room...I was 14. There was no malice, no hatred and only love from him. But that was the point that I started hating myself.
I had been teased, hounded and belittle all through middle school and high school. Never had a boyfriend because I was always the 'fat' friend. It was so bad even people who didn't even know me called me Big Erika (3 Erika's in the school, I was the only black one but I was identified as the Big/Fat one). I survived it. Smiled through the pain, was grateful that my boobs were big enough to hide my gut but still knowing that I was fat. I graduated in 1989 and I weight 228 pounds. Yep, I know this. Don't ask me anyone's name from HS, or my address when I graduated but I can tell you what I weighed.
Looking back, I can identify every monumental moment in my life by my weight. If I kept going through each moment it would be a novel, not a blog, so here's the short list. It's still not very pretty...
* I got married at my all time lowest of 185
* My first born, I topped the scales at 279
* My 2nd born, I went even higher to 285
* Male-spawn's first day of school - 201 (could never get to ONE-derland)
* Fem-Spawns first day of school - 230
* Realized my marriage was in danger - 280
* Took my Spawn and moved back to US - 220
* Failed restart #62 (queue sarcasm) - 260
* Met my Beastie (aka my BF) - 230
* Most recently (and last) restart - 279
In addition, the Negative Nancy in my brain keeps going back to the same question..."What girl in her right mind would try to weigh what they weighed at 14." I get to this point with not too may issues but it's always around 230 that the voices get loud in my mind. I feel like I'm having an non-stop internal battle and it's exhausting.
So here I am at that 230 (ok 227) point again. After all this negative, I have to spew some positivitey into the air (Libras are always about balance)...
* Following the steps is working. CICO is my plan and it works for me.
* I have consistently worked and reworked my plan (mostly workout) to continue my success
* I don't shy away from the hard stuff. I just do what I can.
* I try to drag, I mean motivate, those I know to come do things with me
* I stand my ground against the loving sabotages my family does
* I'm still walking the walk, not just talking the talk
Looking at it I see the roller coaster, and I guess the positive is that I've successfully lost significant amounts many times over so I kinda know the process. But the maintaining has never worked. So here I am losing again and I'm keeping the screaming demon in my head at bay. They say habits are formed after 2-3 months...for me I guess I'm a slow learner. We'll have to look for my new 'habits' after a year.