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bull in a china shop

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Monday, May 20, 2019

I am feeling very out of my element. I have moved away, emotionally, from that which was holding me back (my victim story), and that's so cool! And now, I move forward, but since I've never really moved forward like this before, it all feels weird and I feel as if I have two left feet. Intellectually I know what I need. I need to speak up for what I am craving so that the craving doesn't become a food one. I need to let people know what makes me happy, if they don't know already. I have to give up the expectation that they SHOULD know, already.

Yet I am such a bull in a china shop about it.

My birthday weekend was a really big success. Needs met? Check! Yet I feel as if I went about it so heavy-handedly, and I feel a little embarrassed about it. Not ashamed, and that's good, but that feeling of, "I think I could have done that better".

I went to visit my mom whom I haven't seen in a while. My brother in law stopped by too. Neither of them mentioned my weight loss. I literally stood up and asked them if they noticed it! I got so much side eye from my husband, lol, and rightfully so. I acted ridiculously. I acted like a little kid, wanting to be congratulated for their hard work. I want my before and after picture put on my mom's refrigerator, LOL.

I hope that in time, I can make the adjustments necessary so I'm not such an ass. It is hard for me, I imagine, not to go full swing from one direction... where I would never EVER ask for what I wanted..... to asking VERY LOUDLY. I need to moderate.

You would think that the accolades I received once I asked for them felt hollow. Honestly? They didn't LOL!
But I do need to tone it down. I need to grow up in a new way. I am excited and anxious to make these particular changes because I do still care about what others think of me, LOL.

I bought a WHOLE BUNCH of beautiful work out clothes, my hubby took me to a local department store and said, "have at it!". And for the first time in over 40 years, when I came out to model a pair of yoga pants I thought might be too youthful looking, he told me, "your butt looks good in them!".

SOLD!

I am sold on the fact that change is not easy, and major attitudinal adjustments need to be made.

I am sold on the idea that at this beginning phase, I won't get it right.

I am also sold on the idea that my family might not have noticed my weight loss because those two just DIDN'T CARE what I weighed, before. And that all of my many thoughts about how they see me, may have been just my own self hatred all along.

Yep, two left feet. But still, walking forward.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GREYGIN
    Love that you are learning to speak up and ask for what you want. Awkward is better than not at all! So glad you shared this,because learning to identify, ask for and work for what I want are all things that I need to practice and incorporate more in my own life. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
    27 days ago
  • DJ4HEALTH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    30 days ago
  • OVERWORKEDJANET
    Nice blog!
    32 days ago
  • _CYNDY55_
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    34 days ago
  • CARRILU
    Happy Belated Birthday!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon So great! You have a voice and you're just getting used to hearing it as well, not the one we speak silently to ourselves (the angry, hurt one), but the true one that speaks out loud. It's like singing in a mic, foreign sounding at first.... How brave! Your progress as a person is so inspiring Sue and very exciting as well so thank you for sharing and reminding us how much fun living there still is to be done. How cool is the work out clothes shopping spree and compliment???? Any day our husband admires our butt is a good day.
    34 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    Well, personally, I think your behavior is endearing. There's something that's bringing you joy and excitement, and you want to share it with others. So I love it that you want your mom to post your before and after pictures on her fridge. That's a childlike attitude, and I mean that as a compliment. There's a difference between "childish" and "childlike," and of course childlike is that wonderful thing I'd like to be--how fun it was as a child to wake up on a Saturday morning, like you in your joy at what lies before you, your turning away from the victim story and becoming completely engaged in all the wonderful things life has to offer. And so I loved the story about the workout wear and imagined how you must have been thrilled at your husband's admiring comment. That really made me smile, and I thank you for spreading your joy and excitement, dear Sue! It's contagious!
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    35 days ago
  • STRUMERCAT
    Well deserved shopping spree. Lots of hard inner work going on! Thanks for sharing.
    35 days ago
  • _RAMONA
    What a joyous wonderFULL blog!
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    I'm so glad that you're not ashamed, because you have no reason to be... I'm not even sure you have any need to be embarrassed. When it comes to family, if we want to get our needs met we sometimes have to act like a 2X4 upside the head, LOL. Family (a lot of people) can be insensitive, self-absorbed, selfish clods, and when it's important to do so, we can't feel badly about "swinging for the fences." If we won't fight for ourselves... our needs, our unfulfilled desires, our dreams, our sense of security, our dignity, our victories, our well-being (emotional, physical, spiritual), our expectations (not all are bad), the deepest cravings of our heart and soul... who will?

    Learning to be authentic is a lot like learning to dance... not always graceFULL or pretty in the beginning... but they become so the more we practice them! You've got this!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    P.S. Good on your hubby and the shopping spree! Happy Birthday!
    36 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/23/2019 4:45:18 PM
  • SPICY23
    'I am also sold on the idea that my family might not have noticed my weight loss because those two just DIDN'T CARE what I weighed, before. And that all of my many thoughts about how they see me, may have been just my own self hatred all along. '

    This is Brilliant! Less self-hate more Love! emoticon

    Peace and Care
    36 days ago
  • FRABBIT
    Don't beat yourself up too much. We all want praise in our lives. You deserve it for your transformation. Thanks for once again sharing your story!
    36 days ago
  • BARBIEE52
    You've come so far, & the changes you're making are most of all making a difference to you...how you feel about yourself, and others, and the positive changes in your life...I knew you could it...you're strong, so I know if you fall just a little, you'll have the strength to JUMP up & keep going!
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    36 days ago
  • SUSMANNIE
    I don't blame you for looking for confirmation of your weight loss, and I don't think you are an ass!! I guess our extended family and coworkers aren't always on our page. They're probably knee-deep in their own miasma.

    You're taking on a lot with all this change and I admire you!
    36 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Let’s face it, anything that’s new is awkward in the beginning. Always. But you’ve demonstrated rule #1. You go along along and learn to analyze situations to figure out what you’ve done right and what you can improve on. Learning the lessons. That’s all part of this process for sure.

    Learning to ask for what you want is difficult for me, too. Not used to that, but getting more used to it. It beats being frustrated because your needs aren’t met and trying to meet them in ways that really aren’t to net what you crave.

    Well, I bet your family just accepted/accepts you as your were/are! That is part of why, at least in my family, it took a long time for weight loss to be noticed. And that’s all right. I could see it for myself. That is what mattered.

    So nice to have yoga pants that make the butt look good, isn’t it! HEE HEE They’re priceless.

    HUGS and carry on! You don’t need the victim story anymore. It’s history, right!?! This new you will become comfortable with practice.

    36 days ago
  • DEBVNE
    “Your butt looks good in them,” best kinda affirmation...like ever! Oh yes, please. Our changes never resonate with others as we imagined. Rarely will people comment, it has more to do with them. Ask me how I know, riiiiiiiight? You’ve had an amazing transformation on your outside, your inside is catching up by leaps and bounds. Huge! Really get to know that chica staring back at you in the mirror...you’re really gonna like her. You are more than enough, celebrate that. Belated birthday wishes, just LOOK at the incredible gifts you gave yourself this year!!!! Amen.
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    36 days ago
  • MOLLIEMAC
    Sue, this is your story, not their's. You are writing the script, just for you, and if others aren't taking the time to read it so be it. That part of your life is now behind you so embrace the "new you" and go forward with all who matter to you now. emoticon
    36 days ago
  • LIS193
    Great blog! You will find balance in time.
    Happy new yoga pants!
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    37 days ago
  • JUNEPA
    Love your "keeping it real" renditions of your efforts and successes and bumps along the way.

    Love your blogs, especially love and applaud your progress !!
    37 days ago
  • CINDYAST
    No, no, no. The yoga pants did NOT make your butt look good, YOUR butt made the yoga pants look good! emoticon
    Another great, relatable blog Sue.
    37 days ago
  • TOMATOCAFEGAL
    Keep it going!
    37 days ago
  • CAROLJ35
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    37 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    Powerful blog! I am struggling to become more like you in letting others know what I want/need, or just doing it for myself by myself. I need like you to learn to moderate my *needy* voice.

    I laughed at the image of needing mom to post your achievement on the fridge as she did when you were a kid. I sometimes feel like that too.

    Have fun finding your way forward.
    37 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    I see lots of wise experience shared in the comments. And, you are wise as well. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it the new, healthy habits will feel second nature. emoticon
    37 days ago
  • NANASUEH
    You're building new habits, so it is going to feel like two left-feet for a while till they're no longer new. New habits require new skills that need practice. So, again, trial and error till you find what works with the new you. There will be little glitches but nothing like what would have happened if you had stayed in the old rut.

    BTW, family is always the last to notice and the first to push back against changes in the pecking order. You're changing and they may be thinking that means they need to change and they don't like it. Not your problem, their problem.

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    37 days ago
  • LOPEYP
    emoticon Here’s to hubby.
    You need to tell yourself a different story. The old one is just not you anymore emoticon
    37 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    I think thst was a nice complement from your family not noticing the weight loss. They just like “you”. How awesome is thst.

    Way to go on the nice butt compliment from your hubby!
    37 days ago
  • ROSALIE28
    An amazing self enlightend journey. Yes keep moving forward. The more you move forward the stronger you will become.
    37 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    You are awesome and you should be extremely proud of yourself!! Cute butt indeed!!
    37 days ago
  • ROSEWCI
    You’re a work in progress! I think the awkwardness you’re experiencing is just new feelings...adjusting to a new you! No need to critique...no need to apologize. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments. Enjoy the new wardrobe! You lucky girl!
    37 days ago
  • CHRISTINEBWD
    Cute story about the yoga pants! emoticon
    37 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
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    37 days ago
  • ONEBLUEMOON
    I love following along on your journey and profitting from your wisdom. All I have to say this time though is just emoticon emoticon and emoticon
    37 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    The last 2 paragraphs are so important. Keep working on accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are not what you look like. Sometimes it takes a while for each of us to learn what is really important in life. My mom explained it to me like this. Some people will always love you unconditionally. They love you when you are thin, they love you when you are fat, they love you when you are sweet, and they love you when you are obnoxious. You don't have to earn their love. Some people will never love you no matter what. It's a total waste of time to worry about what they are thinking. Loving yourself, while surrounding yourself with the first group, will make up for the rest. I passed this advice onto my son at a point when he needed it, like my mom did me. You still seem to be saying to your mom, look at me, I lost weight, you can love me now. This is not something you should have to do. Your mom is in the first group, GF. Her love is not dependent on your weight. Hugs.
    37 days ago
  • SPARK-VICKI
    I think when we do something good for our health we want family especially to notice and be very vocal about it. I'm the same way and am not ashamed of it. I work hard for anything I manage and although it's for my own benefit, it's nice when it's recognized. emoticon
    37 days ago
  • UPTOIT59
    I started mentally commenting on what you were saying as I read it and I am kind of glad we weren’t together in person because I may (would) have interrupted you and all you really needed was for someone to listen while you sorted it out yourself! You got this no need for anything but applause from this girl! Xoxo
    37 days ago
  • POINDEXTRA
    In my experience, trying out new healthy behaviors almost always results in the pendulum swinging a bit (or sometimes a lot!) too far before we find the happy balance. Practice makes progress; I'm confident you'll figure it out as you muddle through. And congrats on the "nice butt" comment from your hubby!
    37 days ago
  • ONEKIDSMOM
    I'll bet I'm not the only Sparker who identifies with what you are saying here. Feeling our way to using our voices, instead of stuffing them down with food *does* feel awkward. It takes time to find our balance, and practice, too.

    emoticon Good luck and Spark on! emoticon
    37 days ago
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