I am feeling very out of my element. I have moved away, emotionally, from that which was holding me back (my victim story), and that's so cool! And now, I move forward, but since I've never really moved forward like this before, it all feels weird and I feel as if I have two left feet. Intellectually I know what I need. I need to speak up for what I am craving so that the craving doesn't become a food one. I need to let people know what makes me happy, if they don't know already. I have to give up the expectation that they SHOULD know, already.
Yet I am such a bull in a china shop about it.
My birthday weekend was a really big success. Needs met? Check! Yet I feel as if I went about it so heavy-handedly, and I feel a little embarrassed about it. Not ashamed, and that's good, but that feeling of, "I think I could have done that better".
I went to visit my mom whom I haven't seen in a while. My brother in law stopped by too. Neither of them mentioned my weight loss. I literally stood up and asked them if they noticed it! I got so much side eye from my husband, lol, and rightfully so. I acted ridiculously. I acted like a little kid, wanting to be congratulated for their hard work. I want my before and after picture put on my mom's refrigerator, LOL.
I hope that in time, I can make the adjustments necessary so I'm not such an ass. It is hard for me, I imagine, not to go full swing from one direction... where I would never EVER ask for what I wanted..... to asking VERY LOUDLY. I need to moderate.
You would think that the accolades I received once I asked for them felt hollow. Honestly? They didn't LOL!
But I do need to tone it down. I need to grow up in a new way. I am excited and anxious to make these particular changes because I do still care about what others think of me, LOL.
I bought a WHOLE BUNCH of beautiful work out clothes, my hubby took me to a local department store and said, "have at it!". And for the first time in over 40 years, when I came out to model a pair of yoga pants I thought might be too youthful looking, he told me, "your butt looks good in them!".
I am sold on the fact that change is not easy, and major attitudinal adjustments need to be made.
I am sold on the idea that at this beginning phase, I won't get it right.
I am also sold on the idea that my family might not have noticed my weight loss because those two just DIDN'T CARE what I weighed, before. And that all of my many thoughts about how they see me, may have been just my own self hatred all along.
Yep, two left feet. But still, walking forward.