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Rambling...or maybe wallowing

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

I'm not sure if I'm doing this because I'm "ready" or because I'm just so very sick of my life like it is...maybe those reasons are one and the same.

I'm depressed. Not clinically...I don't need medication (I don't think), I just need...something. Change? Sounds hard when I don't want to leave my (uncomfortable) comfort zone.

I want my Fairy Godmother to wave her magic wand and transform my life.

emoticon New body
emoticon New job
emoticon New car
emoticon New man
emoticon remodeled house

...not necessarily in that order. emoticon

I know I should be counting my blessings...

- I have a body that still basically works, even if it's something of a train wreck
- I have a good job, even if I don't love what I'm doing
- I have a car that gets me from A to B reliably and no car payment
- I had a man and even though I loved (still love) him, we weren't well suited for cohabitation, so I was happy (thrilled) when he moved out, and like having my place to myself
- I have a decent house, even if it needs flooring and a new HVAC unit and the trees need serviced and nothing's been updated since it was built in the mid-seventies

Most of all, I have amazing family and friends who love me even when I'm unlovable, and the love of God that defies all logic.
Truly, I am blessed...and yet I am dissatisfied.

I know it is the human condition to always want more and better, and I think to some degree this is healthy and good. It pushes us to do more, be more. But there comes a point where it's no longer healthy. Where it feels like you're drowning in the wanting and the dissatisfaction, where every small disappointment or failure feels enormous and you aren't sure how much more of it you can take before it's all just too much. What straw will break that camel's back? (what a bizarre saying, mental note to look up the origin of that one)

Anyway, I'm here, I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I'm feeling the pull of a better life urging me on to make changes. Get off the sofa and do something useful...how much of my life have I wasted watching meaningless TV or playing games on my tablet? Too much. My days are numbered as are anyone's, and if I knew my number was coming up tomorrow I'd want those many many hours back.

I set a new weight goal and I've started using my SparkCoach page again, setting small goals every day and checking them off. My list looks like this...

emoticon Track Your Food: Eat Within Your Goal
emoticon Exercise 10+ minutes
emoticon Spin the SparkPoints Wheel
emoticon Drink 8 Glasses of Water
emoticon Plan Your Day
emoticon Take Your Vitamins
emoticon Use Your Waterpik
emoticon Spend 15 Minutes on House or Yard Work
emoticon Make Your Bed
emoticon Listen to Daily Audio Bible
emoticon Read 1 Chapter of Any Good Non-fiction Book

I'm 3 days in and so far it hasn't been too hard.
Not as hard as living with the shame and regret I feel when I don't do all those things I know I should.
Not as hard as hauling around the extra 100+ pounds I am currently carrying.
Not as hard as recovering from the heart attack or stroke I could eventually have if I don't make the necessary changes.
Not too hard at all, considering the alternatives.

Besides, I only have to do this for one day...the one I'm in. Tomorrow isn't promised, so no sense even thinking about it, I'll just focus on today. I'll do it today, and if God blesses me with tomorrow, then I'll start again. That's really all a lifestyle change is, a series of 1st days all strung together. Every day is emoticon .

No wait...I mean...

There's no purpose to this blog, I just had some stuff running around my brain asking to be written down, so here it is.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Glad to see you back at it again. Good to count out blessings, you have many.
    Wow, good goals met emoticon
    Yep, one day at a time.
    You ARE loveable emoticon
    emoticon emoticon
    150 days ago
  • SSMITH017
    I hear you. It's good to see you back at it. Progress is really hard, as in most times I don't make any. But I woke up this morning, so I'm at it again today.

    We can do hard things. I just know it. Or we wouldn't have the strength to keep trying.

    150 days ago
    So true. Not always easy to keep in mind, but so very important. Thanks for the reminder!
    151 days ago
    151 days ago
  • RETAT60
    You do not need more than today to make a change. As you so astutely pointed out, every day is day #1, every day you are alive is "today."
    151 days ago
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