I'm not sure if I'm doing this because I'm "ready" or because I'm just so very sick of my life like it is...maybe those reasons are one and the same.
I'm depressed. Not clinically...I don't need medication (I don't think), I just need...something. Change? Sounds hard when I don't want to leave my (uncomfortable) comfort zone.
I want my Fairy Godmother to wave her magic wand and transform my life.
...not necessarily in that order.
I know I should be counting my blessings...
- I have a body that still basically works, even if it's something of a train wreck
- I have a good job, even if I don't love what I'm doing
- I have a car that gets me from A to B reliably and no car payment
- I had a man and even though I loved (still love) him, we weren't well suited for cohabitation, so I was happy (thrilled) when he moved out, and like having my place to myself
- I have a decent house, even if it needs flooring and a new HVAC unit and the trees need serviced and nothing's been updated since it was built in the mid-seventies
Most of all, I have amazing family and friends who love me even when I'm unlovable, and the love of God that defies all logic.
Truly, I am blessed...and yet I am dissatisfied.
I know it is the human condition to always want more and better, and I think to some degree this is healthy and good. It pushes us to do more, be more. But there comes a point where it's no longer healthy. Where it feels like you're drowning in the wanting and the dissatisfaction, where every small disappointment or failure feels enormous and you aren't sure how much more of it you can take before it's all just too much. What straw will break that camel's back? (what a bizarre saying, mental note to look up the origin of that one)
Anyway, I'm here, I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I'm feeling the pull of a better life urging me on to make changes. Get off the sofa and do something useful...how much of my life have I wasted watching meaningless TV or playing games on my tablet? Too much. My days are numbered as are anyone's, and if I knew my number was coming up tomorrow I'd want those many many hours back.
I set a new weight goal and I've started using my SparkCoach page again, setting small goals every day and checking them off. My list looks like this...
Track Your Food: Eat Within Your Goal
Exercise 10+ minutes
Spin the SparkPoints Wheel
Drink 8 Glasses of Water
Plan Your Day
Take Your Vitamins
Use Your Waterpik
Spend 15 Minutes on House or Yard Work
Make Your Bed
Listen to Daily Audio Bible
Read 1 Chapter of Any Good Non-fiction Book
I'm 3 days in and so far it hasn't been too hard.
Not as hard as living with the shame and regret I feel when I don't do all those things I know I should.
Not as hard as hauling around the extra 100+ pounds I am currently carrying.
Not as hard as recovering from the heart attack or stroke I could eventually have if I don't make the necessary changes.
Not too hard at all, considering the alternatives.
Besides, I only have to do this for one day...the one I'm in. Tomorrow isn't promised, so no sense even thinking about it, I'll just focus on today. I'll do it today, and if God blesses me with tomorrow, then I'll start again. That's really all a lifestyle change is, a series of 1st days all strung together. Every day is
No wait...I mean...
There's no purpose to this blog, I just had some stuff running around my brain asking to be written down, so here it is.