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More Midnight Ramblings!!!/Venting

Monday, June 10, 2019

Started a 10 minutes of movement a day challenge yesterday, please feel free to join and let's motivate each other:


I missed the first day due to a migraine. My injections have worn off so I have to be very careful with the possibility of getting daily migraines again. So, workout first thing in the morning, if I don't wake up with a migraine. Those are the worst, when you wake up with one. But, I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful that I will be able to work out in the mornings.

I'm feeling a little deflated. Okay, more than a little. I had a talk with DH last night about things that are on my mind, things I'm wanting to do, learn, explore, and work on. I know he is in pain from his surgery, so I'm trying not to be hurt, but he was nothing but negative. He treated me like a child. I won't go into it, but, I'm just really trying to look past it, remember that he is in pain from his surgery, and having a hard time himself.

But how do you handle that? When your spouse is not supportive and/or treats you like a child? I understand he is aggravated about certain things and worried about certain things, but those things I have had no control over and were not my doing, so why is he acting as though it were my fault? The house being not pristine, is on me, I'm the stay at home Mom, but I also have several chronic illnesses that keep me from doing much sometimes. I do what I can, when I can. I actually did a lot last week, and he told me once that all I had to do was get done each day what I could to make progress, and he would celebrate those successes with me. Did he? No, he complained and criticized. I don't mean to be negative myself, but it is rather upsetting to me.

I'm going to do my best to let it go and not let it bother me. I don't know if he realizes that he is tearing me down. My first instinct is to say f%$k it and do nothing, because it is not appreciated. But, I can't do that, because I'm not doing it just for him, I'm doing it for me and the kiddos too. They need stability and a clean home and all that jazz. So do I. When things are in chaos around me, I have a hard time concentrating and keeping positive myself. But he doesn't help much at all around the house, and when he does, he does so angrily and then acts like he should get a medal. He spends most of his time at home sitting in front of his computer playing games.

But, the only person I can change is me. So, I'm starting there. I've promised to make an afghan for one of my best friends in red, white, and blue. I've already got those colors, so I just need to find a pattern to start. I'll look for one of those today and try to get started this week, I don't want to delay it. I have Aunt G coming over on Thursday to teach me the basics of sewing. DH does not want me spending time with Aunt G because she is one of those people that can suck the life out of you if you let her, she is very difficult. But I want to learn to sew, and I don't have the funds to hire someone or take classes, so I'm working with what I've got. Aunt G is also coming over on Friday to take us (me and the kids) to the local farmers market. I would love to be able to get all my produce local!

These are my first steps to figuring out what it is I want to do. Start doing things I know I love to do, and learning things I've always wanted to learn. I would love to, once I lose all the weight, start making my own clothes, if I can get that good at sewing. That would be so cool.

So my goals for this week are to:

emoticon Take care of me. This entails a lot. Make sure I eat right, exercise, take my meds/vitamins on time, daily care, etc.
emoticon Clean/declutter the house. I want to get as much done as possible so that we can go into maintenance mode. I dislike that the place is such a mess right now, and plan on taking care of that asap (as my illnesses allow). We have a lady that is supposed to come every other week to clean and do the detail work, but i may have to tell her not to come for a few months to save on money. If I can get it done myself, then I'll have to do that. I am a little upset with her, I gave her a kennel for free, all she had to do was clean up the mess around where it was (the dog had been peeing in the kennel and it got sprayed in the surrounding area and was a mess) but she didn't clean it up, so I spent a good hour or so mopping and cleaning up the mess that she was supposed to have cleaned for getting the free kennel.
emoticon Do something nice for myself every day. My anxiety is really bad. I'm having panic attacks. To help with that, I am doing a 21 day challenge:


and am starting today. One of the reasons I plan on having my coffee out on the porch this morning. Today is spend 20 minutes outside. It's a rainy week here, so that is the best I can do. Feel free to join me and write in the comments how your day went!! I'm also going to try to get to painting and coloring again if I have time, that is usually relaxing.
emoticon Work on my book and workbook, Do It Scared. I really like this book so far, and think it will really help me to get moving forward. I'm going to buy a copy for my BFF and see if she wants to work with me through it. She has a lot of the same issues I do. My ODD is also expressing concerns about her beliefs and wants to read the Bible together, so we will be doing that starting today, at breakfast. Plus we are reading a book together that we work on and then go over after lunch, so lots to do in the reading department!! I have a book I'm reading for fun to wind down with in the evenings, but often before bed I just sit and relax with a cup of tea.
emoticon At least 10 minutes of cardio a day, plus pilates/yoga. I have a hip-opening yoga sequence that I really need to start and want to do that this morning, and then find an evening stretching routine to do before bed to help me relax.
emoticon Train my dog. I'm going to be starting over with puppy training and focus on getting her focus back to where it should be. It is going to take a lot of hard work on my part, and may be exhausting at times, but she was bought for a reason, to be my service dog. I've had her reevaluated, and the trainer is positive she can work through the issues she is having and still be a good service dog. So, I'm researching what to do and how to go about it, and am starting that today as well. We are going to work on a lot of confidence training and learning new skills and honing old ones. Focus is going to be a hard one. She follows our small dog around and does what he does. She has to learn to follow me, and follow my commands, not wait for him to do them first. If I call her ('come') she waits for him to come before she does. Lots to work on, but plenty of time to do so. She is in heat right now, so no outside work, but she has plenty to learn/relearn inside so that is not a problem. Plus, rain.
emoticon Start the basics of learning to sew, maybe do a simple pattern. I know most of what my machine does, but some parts of it are a mystery to me. I need to find my manuel. Also start on the afghan for my bestie and send her pictures. She's promised to help push me to keep going so I don't get overwhelmed and give up.

That may seem like a lot for one week, but I've been building up to this. I'm working on making my time count and not wasting time just doing frivolous things like staring at FB for hours or, unfortunately, doing SP for hours (I totally could do that, but now have to keep it to a minimum). I'm going to be spending less time on the computer unless I have a specific purpose in mind. That means I won't be able to spend as much time with my DH, as he pretty much stays in the office after he gets home and stays on his computer, but I don't want to do that. I was getting into the habit of doing that just so I could spend time with him, but I need to break away from that and do what I need to be doing.

Hope you all have a marvelous Monday and keep moving forward!! emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    @ASOBFALLS, being Bipolar has nothing to do with having dreams and aspirations. I am not manic, I am merely trying to come up with a plan to better myself.

    Dog training is consistent, and I'm working on it. She is a good girl, and does great.
    House cleaning is not all at once, it is as it can be done, so i don't put a time limit on it.
    Book work is, depending on which book, daily or every other day. It doesn't take long unless the kids have a lot of questions, and I consider that family time, not a burden.
    Cardio 10 min, yoga/pilates 10 min. I'm just starting out so I'm not going to go full bear and do 40 min!!!
    Children are out of school and helping with all of these things, they are tweens and do a lot and play with the neighborhood kids a lot etc.
    Cooking and cleaning up, my policy is that if you cook it, you clean it, unless my husband cooks, then we clean up after him. But we usually clean as we go so it is not a big hassle.

    Like I said, it may seem like a lot, but I've been building up to this, I'm not just suddenly deciding, poof, I'm going to do all the things!
    259 days ago
    Pulling for you. Since the kids are home for summer could they help with the daily chores? They do need to learn those life skillsets. So sorry you felt disrespected. I hope things start going well for you.

    I didn't get my exercise in early, so it didn't get done. Hope to do better tomorrow. Schedules are rearranged so I can't go to my water classes at all this week.
    259 days ago
    that's a lot of goals to work towards all at once. whew! best wishes to you!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    260 days ago
    260 days ago
    Your blog with all these plans does seem overwhelming. If I understand correctly, you suffer with BiPolar disorder. And this blog sounds like it. .. There are only 24 hours in a day

    The dog training is constant.
    House cleaning...1 hour per day?...
    Book work both breakfast and lunch every day?
    Cardio & Yoga...40 minutes every day (4 days a week??)
    Children are out of school? and need Mom's attention
    Cooking and clean up kitchen 2 hours per day

    God bless your enthusiasm. But be in the present so that you can bless your kids and husband.

    260 days ago
  • EISSA7
    Lots of plans...choose one of your “starts” and focus on it today... emoticon .
    Happy Monday!
    260 days ago
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