I had a binge last night a full tub of bbq pringles, a large bar of cadburys fruit and nut, a glass of wine and a pint of stout. The only semi-good thing is because I don't drink alcohol they were non-alcholic versions.
I am cross with myself because I wasn't hungry and I had to specifically head out to the shops with all kids in tow at bedtime to get them, spending money I don't have to do so (we are on a really tight budget of aiming to spend £1-£1.50 per person per day on food) so spending £8.67 on myself to eat crap has added to the feelings of guilt.
The reason was staving off anxiety, to do something with my hands while juggling a over tired baby whose refusing to go to sleep. I've got faded scars on my arms from the previous year or so of scratching myself until I bled.
At the time it wasn't intentional but I honestly felt so itchy that scratching was simply to relieve the itch. It wasn't until I was having a discussion in the pandas group (a peri&post natal support group) and someone else was talking about self harming to relieve the feelings that I realised that was what I had been doing.
You see it was subconcious and sort of trance like. There was a brain fog that went along with it. Once I realised that was what I was doing I wouldn't let myself do it anymore, the first time it was horrendous. I had three days of feeling like my skin was on fire and nothing I did would distract, I was super proud of myself that I didn't resort to scratching even knowing that was the only thing that would stop it.
What has happend though is instead of scratching I eat, and I have to eat until I feel sick which seems at the moment to be the only way of combating that physical feeling of anxiety.
I have had 2 rounds of CBT and in combination with an exhaustive list of self help I am generally doing better, when I can do the practice (kids allowing). I'm particularly vunerable at the moment because I do shift work of early mornings and late evenings and the almost 11 month old still doesnt sleep, not helped by the fact that my window for sleep is often only 5 hours anyhow.
What set me off last night was a lack of sleep but also the two youngests dad, he has a whole myriad of problems including depression, anxiety, type 1 diabetes. We are not together because these problems make his behaviour abusive, or because he is abusive and has those problems. Despite doing a domestic abuse course I'm still not sure. What I am sure about is that either way me and the kids don't deserve his behaviour, no-one does.
We'd had a good family day the other week, where we all went to a theme park, he kept his temper under control and left when he started to feel it building so it was a good day. The problem with good days is that sometimes it sends him spiralling downwards, this was one of those days, this last week has been dififcult with the ups and downs of his moods, culmintating in suicde threats again. It's likely he will lose his job again and be homeless again. Despite his accusations I have tried, the first time he was homeless
(i am in massive of debt as I was a guarantor for his accomodation and he couldn't keep a job which essentially means i got into massive debt and now have an IVA so I din't lose my house)
the first time I invited him to mine until he found a place, he had a job at this point but i still had to give him money for a deposit and rent, he lasted 2 days before exploding at the kids, so he can't stay here. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty though, doesn't stop me from feeling heartbroken for him, for myself but mostly for his kids.
I needed to get that out, and while it hurts to have to admit it, I know keeping it to myself doesn't help in the long run. And while I've eaten half a loaf of bread while doing it, now it's out maybe I'll have a better day.