Is a wonderful (so far) book by Ruth Soukup. I got the Kindle edition, it came highly recommended by a lady I follow who is also a friend of the author. Apparently it started out of a series of podcasts that she is doing on the subject (one review said if you have seen all the podcasts, don't get the book - but I have not, there are like 60 of them! Though I intend to make daily time to listen to them). You get all kinds of freebies when you enter your receipt number onto the website. So far, I have been scared to do more of it, because it really hits home, but, it encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone and set a few things up, and I finally got to reading more yesterday.
One of the things I set up is weekly sewing sessions with Aunt G. Now I know, Aunt G is difficult to deal with, and is very draining, but she can be very sweet, in her own way, and wants to be part of the family desperatly. And, she is the only person I know who can teach me to sew. Today is our first lesson, I have some questions on some buttons on my machine, and we are going to start our first project (her idea) a skirt for me!! I'm so excited!! I had set aside making any clothes for myself as a 'reward' for when I lose all the weight, but I think in fact it was a punishment for being overweight. I desperatly want to make my, and my daughter clothes, but I didn't think myself worthy of making anything for myself.
One of the things the book is about, is setting big goals, ones that you make you scared, because fear is holding you back, hence the name of the book. Sewing is one of those things for me. And a lot has come up after my conversation with my husband last week when he reacted badly to me wanting to explore what I want to do and possibly in the future take some college courses and other ideas floating around in my head. I don't know why he does not want me doing these things, but it led to a LOT of emotional eating on my part, and I think has made my insomnia worse. Last night, at the bottom of a thing of ice cream I promised I would not eat, I realized this was not the answer. I was letting fear not only lead me, but push me in the opposite direction!! I went to bed with an aching belly, but a settled mind.
One of my big goals has been to lose the weight and get the skin surgery after I get in shape. Getting in shape is the big goal. The other stuff is just steps along the way. I want to have the energy to do the things I enjoy, and hiking, biking, gardening, just to name a few, are those things. Weight and lethargy have been in my way for so long, I've used them as an excuse. And now, because my husband is not being supportive, I'm letting that get in my way. But I knew that not everyone would be supportive of my getting in shape/losing weight. But, that is one thing my husband is supportive of, and has been from the get-go. I realized that my emotional eating is fear-based. So, I decided to let that go, starting at the bottom of that thing of ice cream. I can't promise I'll be perfect at eating right and exercising daily, but I can promise to do my best. My goal is to lose down to 130, and see where I feel from there. It is going to be slow going, since I'm now allowed to work out (I was not before, and because of the seizures, have to have someone with me when I am on a treadmill or anything similar where I could get hurt). But, I'll take any progress, especially over going backwards, which is what I have been doing.
And now I know not everyone will be supportive of my big goals. What are my big goals? I don't really know. And that is okay. That is one of the things that makes it scary. I've lost myself, and now it is time to find myself. Sewing is one of the things I've always wanted to do and be good at. As in, good enough to make my own clothes and not have them look as if I made them myself, lol. I will eventually take real lessons, maybe even find a local college or tech school that does classes. I'm not sure if I'm interested in quilting (yet), but it is an option as well. I know I want to get back into crocheting, so I'm making my first big project for my BFF, an afghan in red, white, and blue (her choice of colors). And I'm working on the book and workbook, trying to figure out what my other big goals may be. For me, for some reason, one of the scary things, is: what if I do it, and I'm good at it? Then people will have expectations of me, and I currently don't do well under pressure. But, as I continue, and gain confidence, that may/will change.
One of the challenges is a series of questions about what you would do, what goals you would set, if fear was not in the picture. I have no idea!! I'm so stuck in this rut, that I can't seem to see a way out of it. Now don't get me wrong. I love being a wife and Mom. But I know that there is more to life than this, that I was/am meant to do more. But what? That is what I'm going to find out. With the help of this book, her online community (free trial comes with, so I'll test it out), and trying new things. Maybe some classes that interest me at the community center, maybe some online courses, maybe just researching and reading about things.
I do know that one big step I have to take is finding a new church for me and my kids. The church we go to is based around reaching college students, which I am not. I have not been that age in a very long time. I took some college classes, but was never a full time college student. I don't fit in with this church. Even the people my age that I have stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to befriend, have not been very pleasant experiences. The kids ministry is all but nonexistent, and this is an age where kids start asking the hard questions and need a good group of kids their age to be taught with, not all the kids lumped into one room because there aren't enough of them. So, once I can drive again, I will be searching for a new church. My husband is a part of the worship team with this church and sees nothing wrong with how things are, but I think that is because his needs are being met. Ours (me and the kids) are not. It's okay for us to go to separate churches, if that is what it takes. I have not had this conversation with him yet, because he was so disrespectful and had such an unpleasant response to our last big conversation about me wanting to try new things, that I think I'll wait.
So now, I'll be working on setting aside times to work on specific things that I need to do daily, not a regimented schedule like I always used to try to do before, but just, getting up early to workout and do my workbook time. Bible or devotional with the kids at lunch, reading out summer book together at lunch, cleaning between breakfast and lunch, and our daily schedule (we plan to do certain things on certain days, but knowing my chronic illness can flair up, we make it flexible).
I want to have that something that makes me want to get out of bed every morning. My family is one of those things, but I'm finding as the kids are getting more independent, I need more for myself. I hope this book helps.
Have a good Thursday all, and thanks for taking the time to read!!