Day 0: My Mental Health & Weight Loss
Thursday, June 13, 2019
My last status was posted 644 days ago. If you do the math, that's over two years ago! I was in the EXACT SAME POSITION as I am today. I lost no weight; Instead, I gained a few. I never, however, gained any confidence, self-esteem, or muscles. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I know this, but for some reason, I don't do anything about it.
I needed to figure out why. So, I pulled out the good ole fashioned journal, the keeper of all my thoughts and secrets (lol). As a person with mental health issues, I realized I am self-sabotaging, meaning I am CHOOSING to not help myself. "Why?" you ask? Because I don't feel worthy. Other people cal it self-esteem, self-confidence, self-efficacy, all which play their own parts. And it makes sense! In terms of self-efficacy, if I don't feel like I am capable of achieving goals, and, in terms of self-worth, if I don't feel worthy of the end result, then why would I ever put any of my effort into working towards that "dream"? I can't even say it's a goal because I haven't worked one ounce towards it besides trying to understand why.
My mental health issues stemmed from a car accident where I sustained a traumatic brain injury that later turned into post-concussion syndrome. In other words, it's like having a concussion... but for 5+ years now. I had to relearn things that used to be simple: like reading, remembering, speaking straight, etcetera. For years, the migraines were so bad that I'd have to stop as I walked up one flight of stairs because my head felt like it was going to explode.
Now, five years later, I'm getting better. I've gone through more than my fair share of doctors, therapists, and "you name it" type of health professionals. And, I AM getting better. But this deep-seated disability got to me in the process. I WAS disabled and so I believe that means that I AM disabled. I USED to get severely ill from exercise, and so I MUST STILL get sick every time my heart rate goes up. I explain it as a form of medical trauma or, in other words, a form of PTSD. I relive the past and assume things in the now that were only true in the past. As we know, and as many economists stress, "past performance doesn't equal future outcomes." Those who meditate would clearly agree that the past is not the present, as the present is now and the past is gone, a memory.... if you can remember it....
Some of my therapists relate it my childhood that I can no longer cope with. Some say it's cognitive distortions, and I just need to "think about it differently." Both have some basis. There's a reason why I self-sabotage... I'm clearly afraid of or protecting something.
This dream I have, though... I want it SOO bad. I WANT to fulfill my potential. I want to feel good in clothes again, and be able to workout with my partner. I wrote a list of about 100 reasons why I should lose the weight. It all makes sense! Well, until I realize that no matter the motivational thought, I still feel like the goal is outside my reach, as if I am not the one in control of my physical health!! I wasn't. In the past, I wasn't in control of my physical health. It was a traumatic, random event. But, I know that my weight is not. It doesn't happen over night, but across time.
I can rationalize all these things, and yet I sit here writing about it instead of getting on the floor and doing some sit-ups. It's a confusing puzzle I'm in, but I want that to change. For once, I'm going to commit to something; I'm committing to myself and my potential. I want to become this person I've always dreamed of. I am so unstoppable and fierce in other parts of my life, and I want to channel that here. I am going to take you along my journey of mental health and weight loss. I hope through this time I give some of you answers to your own questions, but in the end, I'm looking for an answer to mine.
I hope. I hope. I hope.
But, that's not what I need.
I need to "just do it."
With Fear & Passion,