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Just holding on. Just showing up.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

I am at day 27 of tracking my food, but today I have had to force myself to login, fill in my trackers and check in with the Awesome A team.

Yesterday, I went off the rails. I still tracked my food, up until about 7pm, when I fell into an old, old routine. I ate whatever sweet thing I could find.

Why?

Well, tomorrow I leave for a work trip to Sweden. I'll be away from my family for 9 days. The longest I have ever been away from my son. And I am nervous. I feel the pressure of the new job and the more official element of being a post-doctoral researcher now, rather than a PhD student. I also don't want to be away from my family for that long. I know, I know it is a wonderful opportunity and exciting to be somewhere new. But I also like my somewhere old.

I got on the scale this morning, as I do every morning and the scale was up (I knew it would be) and I just felt tired. Everything felt like it was too much. But, I was also on day 26 of tracking and didn't want to have to start again at 0! So, here I am. Sometimes it is really hard to show up. Again.

My water tracking is going well. I fill up a bottle that equates to 8 glasses and make sure I drink it. It shouldn't be too difficult to keep up with that over the next week, or so. It is a long day of travel tomorrow, but fortunately the flight is less than three hours. I'll download a good book.

My bags are packed and I am as ready as I will ever be. It's at moments like these that I can truly see how the depression has changed me. But, keep showing up, I tell myself. That's step one.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SPICY23
    emoticon Hugs and pats on the back. Remember to breathe: Breathe in calm, breathe out anxiety. You will be OK and your son will too. You will both grow in new ways from the experience.

    I find it helpful to remind myself that 'food won't fix it'. Be gentle with yourself as you deal with all the emotions and stress, good and bad.

    Peace and Care
    242 days ago
  • MARTHA324
    Showing up is THE most important thing to do. Sometimes it is hard to stick to our plan with all the "stuff" going around us and going on a trip and missing your family is certainly some big "stuff."

    You know as do we all that one night of overeating doesn't need to derail us. Happens to us all and we just get back on track.

    Have a great trip and look forward to hearing about it when you get back.
    242 days ago
  • WHITE-GREEN
    Great. I mean it. Very good that you showed up. That really matters. emoticon
    242 days ago
  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    242 days ago
  • PATRICIA-CR
    What's life without those huge challenges! Transform it into a great adventure you will enjoy. You have the right to enjoy a good time far away from it all! emoticon
    242 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    emoticon Safe travels. Wishing you well.

    There's a part of me that wants to tell you it is going to be okay. But, I don't know whether it will be or not. Life is full of uncertainty. We do the best we can, with what we have, where we are.

    You are in the midst of navigating major changes in your life. Seems entirely natural to be nervous.

    The being tired left me cringing a bit. But, that's filtered through the experience I am currently navigating. I just don't want anyone experiencing what I am experiencing. So, I found myself thinking, "Oh no!"

    Remain present. Keep showing up. Major credit for showing up today! emoticon

    It's easy to show up when things are sailing along smoothly. It can be incredibly challenging when one is not feeling up to it. You've risen to the challenge. emoticon

    One day at a time … and if that feels like too much … moment to moment. Okay? emoticon
    242 days ago
  • TRISSYINCHARGE
    Good for you , my hubby last night asked me are you done tracking your food or do I need to go sit down for a minute before we eat lol. It takes a bit getting used to.
    242 days ago
  • GARDENCHRIS
    It's an adventure! Your son will be fine and you have a wonderful time
    242 days ago
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