I have had to go through a heck of a lot to get here!
Friday, August 16, 2019
I'm 42 years old and finally under 300 lbs. I honestly thought I was never going to be there again. I've had to suffer so much in my life and feel like I was the reason for it all - despite me having nothing to do with it. I sat on my pity pot and just felt like I was a victim of awful circumstances time and time again. I blogged for years about how everything was terrible and describing what exactly it was that made my life terrible. Sure, I was active in it, but I had help.
I won't give you the readers digest version, or any version for that matter of what I have been through. It's hardly the point. (Anyway, I don't do readers digest versions.... I never have, likely never will be able to) So what I will say is that although I have depression and other co-morbid mental illnesses, I am being well treated now. I feel free (to a point) of so many burdens. The weight of my world has been somewhat lifted. It's incredible.
Or is it?
The one thing I can tell you that I need is consistency. And from the time I was 13 years old and diagnosed with major depression to now, I was 75% or more of the time - depressed. There's no if's, and's, or buts about it. I felt stuck. So when I tried losing weight last time a few years ago - I found myself happy at one point. When I acknowledged that feeling of happiness, I over-analyzed what was going on. I knew what this was, kind of. I'd felt something akin to this before. Here's the thing. My mantra growing up was: "Happiness is a fleeting emotion." And with that, I figured that this "happiness" I was feeling was akin to a split personality. I could not fathom that organically, I could feel happiness. It just didn't seem like something I could maintain. So, what did I do? I returned to my consistency that I had always known.
As time went on, I found myself slipping into more and more unhappiness. Things were spiraling outside of my control like so many things generally do. I got to a point where I was crying MOST of the time, sleeping the rest, and obsessively watching things to numb my mind. It took over a year after that to finally break myself out of that phase.
I have had a lot of support from my husband and mental health professionals. I have such wonderful compassion for animals and a terrific group of people that I work with now (and have for two years now!) Since I got out of that last rut, got on the right group of medication, and really found the right momentum to grab onto, I've begun trying to lose weight again. And truly trying to be mindful of what this all means to me and why I'm doing it in the first place. I'm not doing it because I'm diabetic (although that's a good side reason). I'm doing it because I deserve it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I deserve to look and feel good. And there is no part of me in the past that could have ever said that with a straight face. Yet, here I sit. Not cracking a smile or with my fingers crossed behind my back. This is where I want to be.
So my question to myself is this: Will I eventually return to that sense of consistency? A self fulfilling f'd up prophecy? I hope not. I really and truly do want to find out what it's like NOT to be miserable all the time. I am so tired of being sick and tired. Life is actually short. It may not feel like it sometimes, but it is. And I don't want to wait for a half century old to say... screw it. I'm doing this! I want this change now.
Please help me on my quest for health and well being. As cliche as it sounds: Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And how true is that for weight loss?
Thank you for reading!