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I sit in a walkway

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Here I sit in a walkway while work life happens around me. Conversations in the Quadricles or Meeting spaces. It's loud in here. People calling to each other over the cube walls or aisles all around me. People walk past, always leaving a breeze in their wake. Back and Forth. Back and Forth. I move my chair in as they go by, out as they leave. In and Out. In and Out. Always alone in the walkway. Just someone to pass on the way to their busy day.

It's kind of like home. I became a caregiver 16 years ago to both parents. I could still travel, have a life, friends. My Dad willed himself to death 9 years ago now and Mom is slowly giving up and with it, my life. I no longer get asked to go places, dancing, dinner, movies. She doesn't want to leave the house and doesn't want me to leave the house. Everytime there is a shooting or event, my ability to go places diminishes due to her fear. Sometimes the 3 hour fight about is it safe is no longer worth it. I go to work, home, laundromat. I live through others Facebook posts.

I do have some things I wont give up. I wont give up my chorus, even though I can no longer participate in the competitions. The months long screaming match takes away all the enjoyment the 2 days would give. I do Swing Dance class on Sunday night. Its 5 minutes from home. Even if I can make it to the social dance, its alone and it depends on her mood. The person on the phone at work is not the person I meet when I get home.

I am single, no children, no other family, never married. I have 8 cats and 1 dog I rescused from neighbors. I have found love over the Internet. His name is Greylyn and he is a beautiful Russian Blue cat put up for adoption on Facebook.

I am taking this weight loss journey to try and take back some of me. I wont be a caregiver forever and I want to embrace life now. There is so much I want to do and places to see.

One day... when I can make the world stop and see me....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TREKPURRSON
    Sending you positive vibes. Caregiving is exhausting. Keep on Sparkling. You are so worth it! emoticon
    161 days ago
  • DWROBERGE
    emoticon emoticon
    163 days ago
  • POSEY440
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Soon tome to focus on your life
    164 days ago
  • SWEETENUFGILL
    emoticon
    Tough one........
    I'm glad you are here on Spark Peopke; it's a very life-affirming place.

    Great that you are getting to chorus and swing dance. Keep it up!
    166 days ago
  • IMLOCOLINDA
    I am caring for my mom but we live in a duplex so not right on top of each other part of the time. Her dementia is getting worse. I, too, have decided that it won't be this way forever and the time to get healthy and live for me is NOW!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    166 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    ((((((HUGS)))))) It's tough being a carer. I had both my parents and 2 kids under my roof to take care of.

    Does your MOm have dementia? Alzheimer's?? Mom had Alzheimer's. She was always the 1st to want to do something adventurous, the life of the party. Alzheimer's slowly stole that from her. She, too, had anxiety about everything: walking outside, bathing, Dad being out of her sight. It's difficult to deal with.

    DO your best to keep on doing at least little things for yourself. You need that to keep your sanity!
    166 days ago
  • RHOOK20047
    Sorry for the cards that life has dealt you. But remember the good you are doing even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. You are being of service to your mom, even if she doesn't say so God bless you and keep you!
    167 days ago
  • LIVEANDLAUGH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    167 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/12/2019 7:11:33 PM
  • ZETTAXMARIE
    Caregiving is SO hard. My dad had a fear similar to your mom's after we lost my mother, so I understand. It didn't help that I was a 22 year old college student then either. He would call me every 2 hours, and panic if I did not answer, sometimes to the point of driving the 2 hours to my house just off campus because I did not answer the phone. It wasn't long after that til I had to care for him full time. I had already been my mom's primary caregiver up until her death, but he was a whole other kettle of fish.
    Just hang tight. You are someone worth knowing. You are someone worthy of love, kindness, and happiness. Your time will come. emoticon
    167 days ago
  • ZETTAXMARIE
    Sorry I posted twice! my computer had a panic attack i think. but I do doubly think you are awesome!
    167 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/12/2019 6:57:13 PM
  • GEORGE815
    Caregiving for parents is a tough row to hoe. Nice of you to take care of your Dad, and now, your Mom. Good luck. Keep doing those things that remain you sane.
    167 days ago
  • ROSIEKO1
    Thanks for the open sharing. It proves you have trust. A guy I went out with once told me that when someone is trusting it proves they are trustworthy. I think it is true also about giving. When someone cares and gives they are worthy of recieving.
    167 days ago
  • BERRIESINLA
    Sending you hugs! You got this!
    167 days ago
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