I sit in a walkway
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Here I sit in a walkway while work life happens around me. Conversations in the Quadricles or Meeting spaces. It's loud in here. People calling to each other over the cube walls or aisles all around me. People walk past, always leaving a breeze in their wake. Back and Forth. Back and Forth. I move my chair in as they go by, out as they leave. In and Out. In and Out. Always alone in the walkway. Just someone to pass on the way to their busy day.
It's kind of like home. I became a caregiver 16 years ago to both parents. I could still travel, have a life, friends. My Dad willed himself to death 9 years ago now and Mom is slowly giving up and with it, my life. I no longer get asked to go places, dancing, dinner, movies. She doesn't want to leave the house and doesn't want me to leave the house. Everytime there is a shooting or event, my ability to go places diminishes due to her fear. Sometimes the 3 hour fight about is it safe is no longer worth it. I go to work, home, laundromat. I live through others Facebook posts.
I do have some things I wont give up. I wont give up my chorus, even though I can no longer participate in the competitions. The months long screaming match takes away all the enjoyment the 2 days would give. I do Swing Dance class on Sunday night. Its 5 minutes from home. Even if I can make it to the social dance, its alone and it depends on her mood. The person on the phone at work is not the person I meet when I get home.
I am single, no children, no other family, never married. I have 8 cats and 1 dog I rescused from neighbors. I have found love over the Internet. His name is Greylyn and he is a beautiful Russian Blue cat put up for adoption on Facebook.
I am taking this weight loss journey to try and take back some of me. I wont be a caregiver forever and I want to embrace life now. There is so much I want to do and places to see.
One day... when I can make the world stop and see me....