Saturday, September 21, 2019
Yesterday I weighed myself for the 1st time in 2 years. I have put on 15kg!!! I just wanted to cry, or head to the fridge to eat my sorrows. It is not that I didn't know that I was putting on weight, my clothes at first were too tight, then I gradually had to replace them, one by one. I was in denial though, and afraid to hop on the scales and see the 90kg ( approx 200 lbs) staring back at me.
How did it happen? Well my last 2 years have been really stressful. I resigned from my long term job, as I was having trouble balancing this with care of my son, who has Autism Spectrum Disorder and has been in and out of school. I decided I would use the opportunity to enrol in university. Despite giving up my full time job, I quickly found myself overloaded again by taking on too much. I have been working part- time, studying full-time and caring for my son. Only those that have a child with ASD can know how completely draining they can be. He has no ability to regulate his own emotions, so I must do this for him or rue the consequences, that can be dire! Additionally, in the same time period my mum has been diagnosed with an untreated degenerative neurological disorder (she is only in her 60's). The condition will eventually take her life, but it will be a slow decline over several years. It has been hard to accept that I will lose my mother, but also prepare mentally for the coming challenge of caring for both a disabled son and mother at the same time. And then there is money.......I need to try to get a full time job again once I have finished my degree, (I am a single parent, and my ex does not pay child support), yet my care responsibilities are going to make that really hard. I have not had a relationship for 8 years since I broke up with my long term partner, and though I get lonely, I just don't have the time or energy left to be able to build a new relationship.
None of this has anything to do with my weight - right? And yet it does. I am an emotional eater. So when I feel exhausted, sad, anxious or lonely I eat. It is the way to give myself some pleasure, when I cannot give myself the other things that would fulfill me.
So I have fallen, and I feel very weak, but this is my first step in trying to pull myself up again.