The Scan Doesn't Lie
Saturday, September 21, 2019
There is something scary about seeing your body as a gray, featureless blob. I had this scan done at the gym back in January this year. The truly frightening part is that I've gained another 10 pounds since then. I have felt so overwhelmed by my current situation that it's hard to know where to begin. I struggle with depression already and find it so hard some days to find the motivation or energy to do anything. Then, I feel guilty for not doing anything to change my circumstances, which makes me feel even more depressed, and the cycle never ends.
I finally reached a tipping point when I got a call from my doctor saying that I needed to drop my weight and the carbs, NOW. I have spent the past week visiting my counselor and sending out my SOS signals to people I know I can count on to help. I have also re-engaged my online support communities through SparkPeople and Habitica (which have been helpful in the past). After seeing a commercial for "Noom," I also signed up for a trial with them. I am seriously determined to make a change.
The other aspect of my challenge lies in my professional life. I have been working towards becoming a board-certified chaplain for the past 7 years. Three years of seminary, a one-year residency, and I have been gainfully employed as a full-time hospice chaplain for three years now. The final step in the process is to submit my board packet (equivalent to a doctoral thesis), which I have been avoiding like the plague. There are no words sufficient enough to describe the level of writer's block I have experienced during this project. So much of it stems from performance anxiety, self-doubt, and the pressure of an overwhelmingly difficult project. The board certification is a requirement for my continued employment, so now my job rests on my completion of this process. I have no choice but to do it, or I lose my job. I have chosen the board deadline of November 13th. I have to have my entire packet completed and submitted by that date. It is very doable, given the work I have already completed, but it is still intimidating.
I am hoping to reignite my own internal strength and energy (that I know is there...somewhere) and just start moving forward on this project and towards living a healthier lifestyle. I am so tired of being tired. I am done with being stagnant. I wish to reclaim my life, my health, and my dreams.
Every new adventure begins with a single footstep. This is mine! Today! Right now!