The Good the Bad and the Ugly
Saturday, October 26, 2019
well the good news is that I tracked everything. The bad news is that I'm over even the maximum allotted calories. Today was a disaster in terms of self control ...I would have been okay if I had stayed asleep tonight. But I woke up and felt awful and tried to feel better...by eating. Of course that only made me feel worse because it killed any reason I had for feeling satisfied by my success.
I feel like quitting...but I know the way out is not through some other path...nor the way back from which I'd already come. Rather there needs to be a new path blazed in these woods I'm lost in....I just wish for sleep. Why can't I just sleep? Worries buzz around my brain like a swarm of flies surround a carcass. So as of this moment, 12:00 AM, it is a new day. A day where I don't have to fail again. A day when I can eat healthfully and in moderation. A day I can feel good about.
It's going to be the power of God that makes this happen....because I, myself, am powerless. I cannot help myself to be other than what I am or rather, have become.
But from where I'm sitting now....that is impossible. "With God, all things are possible" --now is the time of testing the truth in fact about that--to which my words have testified, but which remains unproven by my actions.
My behavior will testify as to the reality of what I profess to believe...and that is that "God is a very present help in time of trouble"--and I am in trouble. Surrounded by the forces of appetite and self destruction and wishing for the escape of sleep, I can only cry out to Him like the disciples in their little craft tossed by violent storm, "Lord, help me!!" And He rouses and says "Peace!! Be Still!" and that is what He is speaking to me right now. "BE STILL" "Be still and KNOW that I am God!" He rebuked the disciples for their lack of faith. "Don't you know that, while I am with you, nothing can harm you?"
Nothing can harm me in His presence.
Not a lack of self control.
Not self hatred
Not deep sadness.
Sunday marks 3 years since my mom died.
She struggled with her weight, appetite and lack of self control also. When I was in the throes of anorexia and weighed 85 lbs., she confided in me that she, too, had an eating disorder. She was compelled to eat--could not say no to her appetite. And smug, snot-nose that I was,I pooh poohed her confession feeling that someone overweight could not have an eating disorder. No, I had the corner on the market of disordered eating. I deeply regret this now. She was looking for help....for support...and for intimacy and solidarity with me, her daughter. And I totally slammed the door in her face. I would give ANYTHING to be able to apologize to her--to have a chance to re-live those moments and to respond differently.
"Mom, if you are reading this over my shoulder from heaven, I'm so, so sorry. I understand now, the struggle you were facing. Forgive my childish selfishness and for looking down on you."
Maybe my current struggle with my weight is my punishment.
It's now after 1:00 AM. I really should try to sleep some more. it is hard to sleep when your mind is tossed about and your heart is distressed. I don't know why I'm distraught. Is it from caving in and eating ? that was yesterday. I need only be concerned with today. Yesterday was taken from my hands and tomorrow is withheld until its time shall come.
I only have the minute I inhabit.