....I haven't bailed yet.
Only now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....thanks very much to INDYGIRL and those of you who have encouraged me to keep on the tracks while in the train rather than lying down across them. LOL.
I have lost 5 pounds in the 9 days I've been active on the site. Time has gone quickly, I kept thinking it's been something like 4 or 5 days...until this morning I counted it out.
It's terrible how I am tied to the scale. If the number goes up, I'm wrecked for the day. Nothing is good. I'm a failure and a glutton.... and so forth. But if it goes down, my emotions soar and I feel unbeatable. (a little bipolar maybe??)
I think that there have been two reasons for my successful loss of 5 lbs.
1) i have really been focusing on maintaining the ratios given in the pie chart at the bottom of the food tracking page. This is new to me. In the past I ate a lot of fruits and veggies and grains.....probably 85% carbs. (good carbs...but still carbs) Now I do NOT advocate low-carb diets. I think (as studies have shown) that we do best when we eat a variety of foods and do not eliminate any one food group. When I was a raw vegan I actually lost very little weight even though basically all I ate was plants. And in every endeavor since then I always focused on Low fat. High carbs. So this time, when I saw those ratios, I was astounded that Spark was advocating 30% fat. But I thought, "well, nothing else has worked. I will try it" and wonder of wonders, the weight started to come down. On days when my carbs are really low and thus the ratio to the fat and protein was low....and those percentages were therefore High....I deliberately had some carbs. A piece of whole grain bread...some whole grain pasta....even a 72 % cacao chocolate bar. (2 squares)...and so far it has really worked!
And too, after reading my down in the dumps blog yesterday when I was upset about not having stayed within the calorie goals for one day...friends such as "INDYGIRL" and JUDITH316 and others, did a really good job of encouraging me not to give up. I am very harsh with myself and a perfectionist and as Beth (INDYGIRL) said, "If God can forgive you than certainly, you can forgive yourself" ....I'd heard that before but this time it really hit home. I am wound way too tightly.
Once I heard someone say, "Would you say to a struggling friend, the things you say to yourself?" and I was stunned. I NEVER would!! So why am I talking to myself that way? It is important to be your own friend. I was just chatting to Beth and one of her Indyisms is "You have to change your mind in order to change your body and not the other way around." That makes a lot of sense.
I am going to work on a list of ways in which I can change the way I think of and talk to myself. I think first of all, i have to really LISTEN to the things I'm saying. I kind of just internalize it and bury it among the underground area of emotions and thoughts that I am just not always aware of...but which are crucial in the way I feel about myself and my performance in just about every area. So first --before you build a skyscraper, you have to dig down deep to form a foundation...So dig it up and expose it to the light...Then give it the "struggling friend" test...and if it fails that test then I will pray about it and ask God to remove it from the hidden place and send it to the pit of hell it deserves.
My blog (online: cynthialottvogel.blogspo
) is called Treasures from Darkness (based on Isaiah 45:1-3 in the Bible). My whole life has been either spent in the darkness of mental illness and poor health or with God working on me to be able to take some of that treasure and drag it out of the dark and polish it off and let it shine. That blog is one of the key things to my personal development and even survival. I've kept writing it since 2009, between one and three posts a week.
But yes. Step 1) Awareness of the attitudes and self talk that I use to tear myself apart.
Step 2) Prayer. Prayer is really important to me and I consider myself to be sort of a "Prayer Warrior" (although the term is overused). However, I spend the vast majority of my prayer time in prayer for others....and it is obvious to me right now, that I need to let God do some housekeeping and clean out the basement.
Step 3? Replacement. Taking out and disposing of the bad and replacing it with the good. I have a book of affirmations that I've been collecting and inventing ...it's a little leather bound notebook and in it I write the things I need to tell myself or hear God telling me, when I'm most anxious and afraid. Maybe sometime I will share some of them in my blogs but it has worked better than Xanax when I'm stressed or frightened or worried.
These 3 steps will be key, I think, in changing my mind and thereafter, my body for the good.
Thank you once more for reading..I look forward to your comments.