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Don't Do it Again!

Friday, November 01, 2019

Well today was not a stellar day for my Sparking efforts. I ate some things overnight and I went out for lunch (breakfast) with a friend to Perkins. There I had a half of a quesadilla fillled with eggwhite , pieces of breakfast sausage and cheese topped with a tiny bit of sour cream and some salsa. It was delicious...and compared to most of their meals, low in calories.

MY BIG MISTAKE came in Walmart. I didn't buy ice cream or chocolate or snacks of any kind....but while on line at the checkout I saw these Mini Chips Ahoy "go paks" A plastic cup with a lid fillled with mini cookies..they were a dollar each. Had i just taken one, it would not have been terrible--especially if I had only 14 cookies per day for three days. That would have been 150 calories per day. But no. I had to eat the whole cup. Three servings of 150=450 calories. That completely shot any plans for dinner I had been entertaining. I thought I had learned my lesson when it came to cookies. I cannot ever buy them because I have NO self control with them. They are even worse than ice cream. I do not often buy ice cream and if I do I make sure it is a small amount. And I never buy cookies either. And here you see why.

OK. I've been told a few times lately that I need to learn to forgive myself. That is true. But I think it needs to be ok to have certain expectations of myself and not to blithely say "It's ok...don't feel bad' when I do not use any self control. It--like many other things--is a fine line...a tightrope that requires balance and grace.

I had gained two pounds back and today (this morning ) I saw that I'd lost one of those pounds. I have lost some of my initial dedication and enthusiasm --once more falling prey to the belief that this is not going to help. I will not lose the weight by tracking and calorie restriction. For me the numbers rarely make any sense. I will gain weight after being nigh to perfect in my food intake...Not anywhere NEAR the 6,000+ calories it takes to gain 2 pounds. Because of that I often fall into "magical thinking" like if I do not weigh myself for a long time and it's because I'm scared by what I'll find, then when I DO weigh myself I'm usually less weight than I thought I would have been. And when I'm perfect in my eating...it's a guarantee that I will gain some. I know that doesn't make sense...but oddly it works that way all of the time..

All I can do is keep swimming, swimming, swimming. (Like Dorry the fish in that Disney movie)....learn from my mistakes....keep on being honest in my tracking and hopefully someday soon, learn from my mistakes and do not even consider buying cookies or ice cream or any kind of pastry.

So today my child-self will say pitifully, "I'm sorry" to my taskmaster self and hope that the taskmaster has enough mercy to say "It's ok....DON"T DO IT AGAIN!"
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