Finding a Beachhead
Friday, November 15, 2019
As I have lost some weight so far (about 30 lbs), I have been dismayed to see my flesh kind of just hanging on my bones...(of course the bones are not visible much--not YET!). The atrophy is obvious even just by looking at me. When I lost the 70 lbs 9-10 years ago, I did it while exercising beginning just with walking down my driveway (and that was HARD) and eventually built up to an hour of aerobics and hefting a 25 lb dumbbell among other strength work...and as the fat dissipated, it was immediately replaced by muscle. I remember my delight when I was downstairs in my home gym, I caught sight of myself as I worked out and was JOYOUS when I saw that my upper arm no longer "flapped" as I moved! There was no sagging or hanging anywhere on me except for a little 'pooch" on my lower abdomen.
This time around I will maybe not be able to avoid the hanging flesh. Because I cannot flex my ankles or lift any weight at all, I thought it would be impossible to come up with an exercise routine for strength work OR aerobics. But in the past week or two, after several conversations with INDYGIRL, I have come up with some possible means of getting stronger and in better cardiovasular and pulmonary health. And since I got that yellow ball yesterday (should I name it? Wilson?) I've had a number of ideas for ways in which I can use it for resistance. NOW my next challenge will be coming up with a place and opportunity to work out. MY husband works at home 4 days a week now and that pretty much means that most of the house (it's a VERY small house) will be off limits to me (don't ask). My bedroom is about 10'x 11' or 12' and in that tiny space is all of my belongings including a hospital bed, a small desk and a power recliner. There are piles on the floor which I try to keep neat but it's nigh to impossible. I don't know for sure if i will be able to get down onto the floor and then back up. I don't know if there is room for that. I don't think there is. Which means I'm limited to standing or laying on my bed twin bed. It is not ideal by any means.
There are some exercises that i can do while seated on my recliner...I really think it would be good if I could be back in PT, just to have an environment to move in But we have new insurance and I think they only allow 25 PT sessions/year which is not even enough to get me through one rehab surgery... and I have several of them pending.
I have some room downstairs --which is where I USED to live before my hips and ankles got so bad I couldn't any longer manage the stairs I haven't been downstairs for over two years now..and i hear tell that it has become a catch all place for stuff we don't have room for upstairs. I am considering renting a dumpster and just pitching all of it. I cannot manage a yard sale nor can I sell the stuff online because it would mean endless trips up and down the stairs to photograph stuff and I cannot drive to meet anyone who might want to purchase it.
There you have the problems.
"where there is a will, there is a way. And where there is no will and no way, God has plenty of both" (INDYGIRL has "Indyisms" and I think this will be my first "Cindyism")
If I can get enough strength to get up and down the stairs, my quality of life---especially my emotional life---will be greatly improved. And I think that will be the first goal I will work on. The first BIG goal. My first LITTLE goal will be to actually take this from my head and then implement it into action. I know from the past times when I have taken on atrophy and pulmonary disease and severe arthritis (3 kinds) and complete discouragement --and regained strength and emotional drive and self discipline--and have gotten strong and joyful.
It is not me and MY power that will accomplish this. My doctors, with all their skill and training have admitted defeat in terms of reducing my pain and increasing my mobility.. No.. This must be an act of God.
But I will tell you a secret.
I really have a great big giant to fight ---with my pebble and slingshot.--It is DEFEAT and DISCOURAGEMENT. It is accompanied by a great amount of DEPRESSION and tiredness in the face of severe pain. I really just want for this life sentence to be over. The triple "D" challenge is where the real fight will begin and end. It is here I must fight my hardest. I spend a lot of time praying and I think that God and I need to sit down and have some serious talks about this. I can give you hundreds of reasons why it is impossible for me to make any real changes in my physical health. But maybe my physical health cannot be my sole starting place. I have a lot of emotional and spiritual rehab to do as well. I have a journal which I have dedicated to my health and well-being. I need to find a corner of my brain--a BEACHHEAD like at the Battle of Normandy--where I can get a toehold; just enough motivation and desire and strength to BEGIN.
It's a dirty job.
But someone's got to do it.