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Soul searching about me and my eating habits and my blogging. Where to go from here?

Wednesday, December 04, 2019

I don't think this is the death knell of my presence here on Spark, but it is an honest contemplation of what I've been looking for versus what I've accomplished.

I came here, soon 11 years ago, to find assistance in taking off those pounds I added. For a while I learned new techniques or tweaked the old to get that better grip on myself. I've tried a lot of things with some success and can claim I've learned to maintain my weight for the past 5 years.

Tracking my food. This has tempered my eating and helped me gain focus on what goes in my mouth.

I became a "Fat loser". Some of what Siebold said made sense, the rest I flushed down the drain as not me. My mental toughness was a given, perhaps a bit misdirected.

I piggy-backed myself on the blogs of others through Beck; the spine in my "pink" copy is hardly cracked. I love myself. Not a "I'm too fat" whining or "nobody loves me 'cause I'm fat" bone in my body.

I've intermittent fasted my way through a few years and found I WON'T die if I don't eat until 12 noon or skip dinner. I've even been able to stand up to "food pushers" who think I'll waste away if I don't eat something. This HAS helped.

I tried Paleo. Nah, it was complicated on several levels for me. Whole foods (not the store) appealed to me but then I got bored.

Keto. That ended in disaster because I COULD have meat and cheese. I took it to the extreme without considering the consequence of all those additional calories my new snacks piled up. I lost, then gained as I didn't control myself well in the end.

Detox. I only read a few; never started. There was so much sketchy science based on anecdotal information that I filed all those way under "don't go there".

Intuitive Eating or Mindfulness hasn't worked for me. It was permission.

What I HAVE learned:
I don't care.

I don't care that I buy large sizes "big girl clothes" . I look nice in what I wear.
I don't care I have extra weight because I am energetic and move a LOT.
No one (except my mother or DH who learned better) has ever said, "Gee, you'd look great if you lost a few pounds". I think I look great today, yesterday and tomorrow.
I don't and never have cried about being fat, with the exception of being post-partum. It was hormonal.
I still fit in an airline seat and can comfortably tie my shoes.

What I'm still looking for:
I know I could be even more active if I weighed less.
The damage my weight has done to my joints is a given and losing pounds would only hold off those inevitable surgeries. Damage has been done. I know, I know, I know.
I'm still trying to find that ear worm that says "don't bring that home as you'll eat it all". I bring whatever it is home, without a twinge of remorse AND eat it. It's that "I don't care" again.

I have a LOT of stress. I only blog a portion. I don't need to detail what goes on that I deal with on a daily basis. Being a parent and caregiver changed me and part of my eating permission is based on those issues.
I had therapy. The therapy helped me take control of what I could and also gave me permission to let go what I couldn't. Perhaps that's the eating what I want "thing".

Spark has become my social outlet. Sure I've met a lot of nice people, some in person, whom I can think of as friends. I can boast my accomplishments and lament my losses here. I'm concerned the "social" has outweighed the purpose.

I've re-read my blogs and am disheartened I haven't changed much except my age. I deleted my first 4 years worth in a fit of self-pity of NOT accomplishing any changes in 2012 and realize I've not done much better since. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm human.


Now what do I do?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've been doing my own soul searching.

    How would my life be different if I lost weight???
    How would I be different if my eating habits were … equalized???
    243 days ago
    For me, I had to change the wording - mentally, anything I LOSE, my subconscious mind automatically sets to find! So now, that is a 4-letter word to be avoided. Instead, I take off weight, drop pounds, etc.
    288 days ago
    All I can say is for me, I think my health is so much better since sparking. I have the accountability I need and it is so important in the scheme of things for keeping healthy.

    Have to agree w/DEBVNE . . . can’t spend too much time in the head and overthinking things. And I KNOW that I, too have met many WONDERFUL people on this site and that is irreplaceable.

    My own experience has been that, until we really have that aha moment, we won't dig deep. I had mine. I won't forget it!

    Hang in there.


    288 days ago
  • ALICIA363
    The daily stress. Yeah. Sigh.
    Love the blog from 2013 - thank you for the link.
    289 days ago
    289 days ago
    Sounds like you are at a place where many of us would like to be. I'm in a similar situation. Losing weight would help me but then so would a lot of other things. It won't solve all my problems but it will help a few. Until the few things bother me enough to do something about it things won't change. I have learned a lot here and have made real friends and to me that is important. There are a lot worse things than being overweight.
    289 days ago
    Oh, dear Janet...we are true Spark Sisters, apparently.
    I am right there with you now in so many ways.
    I cannot really add to what your so very wise sparkfriends have already said here.
    We have all learned a lot and need to find our own reasons for staying on SP.
    Not caring and accepting what is are close cousins but not exactly the same thing.
    Recognizing that you are not willing to put any more effort into what isn’t working is wise, which is not the same as giving it all up and letting all things slide downhill.
    I guess I never realized how much I use SP as a social outlet before reading this.
    Nothing wrong with that.
    And I still learn new things occasionally (would help if SP updated content, yes?).
    And I love reading about m6 sparkbuds adventures, and trials and tribulations.
    So let’s just take deep breaths and enjoy where we are, today, as much as we possible can.

    289 days ago
    Rinse, lather, repeat indeed. We each get to decide, yet it is SUPER tough to decide on the direction to take. I’ve learned so much about fitness, nutrition, you name it on spark. It’s a useful tool in my arsenal. Connections with some mighty chicas has been a bonus. Don’t spend too much time in your head, it’s not a great neighborhood to hang out in. Stress is a wicked beast...the ultimate time and emotional suck. Hang tough. It sure sounds like you’ve learned much and granted yourself the grace to be comfortable with who you are...priceless gift. I’ve literally worked my you know what off. I’m faster, stronger, healthier...and committed to this healthier living gig. I refuse to regain the 70 plus pounds I once carried. The difference in how I move and feel keep me honest...well kinda.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    289 days ago
    Good pondering! Been there, done that. A LOT this past year. Kevin's passing hit me hard in the motivational gut. And that whole "control what I can, let go of what I can't" rings large echoes.

    Yes, we are all human... and I note as we (many of us 10 year Spark veterans) seem to be moving in the direction of self-acceptance. Yes, the tools are here to track, but if they cease serving... I fall back on the social! And you never know when the next corner will turn, and a burst of motivational energy FOR SELF CARE... *not* for a number on the scale will magically appear, replacing a bout of self-pity.

    "Will this help me live a more comfortable life in the circumstances I am faced with? Will it cause deterioration for the future?" All these "senior" choices are here in front of us! I've been thinking hard about that with regard to "medicalizing". Will the results of this test or that one change how I live my life? Seems the threat of dire diseases if I don't "toe the line" nutritionally is not a very strong motivator for me. I know that one day I will leave this earth. I'm more concerned about quality of life and quality of passing.

    THAT SAID... I may not be at my "racing weight", but I'm at a "livable" weight, and a lot of that is THANKS to the social aspects of Sparkpeople. Hang in there... and you've got my e-mail if you need to vent and don't want to do it in a blog! For that matter, you've got my PHONE number!

    emoticon emoticon What can we do? We can live the best lives we can manage with whatever the deck of life deals to us!
    289 days ago
    I, lately, haven't cared about what I eat, calorie or fat wise. I've let myself go. I know what I need to do. Like you, I'm dealing with serious knee issue. By staying here with Spark, it keeps weight loss in my mind. Whether I do it or not.
    289 days ago
    I went off Spark for a couple of years and gained all my weight back plus 20 pounds. While I've not always lost weight while I've been here it's kept me honest and whenever I'm backsliding it brings me back with a jerk before I go too far.
    289 days ago
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