I don't think this is the death knell of my presence here on Spark, but it is an honest contemplation of what I've been looking for versus what I've accomplished.
I came here, soon 11 years ago, to find assistance in taking off those pounds I added. For a while I learned new techniques or tweaked the old to get that better grip on myself. I've tried a lot of things with some success and can claim I've learned to maintain my weight for the past 5 years.
Tracking my food. This has tempered my eating and helped me gain focus on what goes in my mouth.
I became a "Fat loser". Some of what Siebold said made sense, the rest I flushed down the drain as not me. My mental toughness was a given, perhaps a bit misdirected.
I piggy-backed myself on the blogs of others through Beck; the spine in my "pink" copy is hardly cracked. I love myself. Not a "I'm too fat" whining or "nobody loves me 'cause I'm fat" bone in my body.
I've intermittent fasted my way through a few years and found I WON'T die if I don't eat until 12 noon or skip dinner. I've even been able to stand up to "food pushers" who think I'll waste away if I don't eat something. This HAS helped.
I tried Paleo. Nah, it was complicated on several levels for me. Whole foods (not the store) appealed to me but then I got bored.
Keto. That ended in disaster because I COULD have meat and cheese. I took it to the extreme without considering the consequence of all those additional calories my new snacks piled up. I lost, then gained as I didn't control myself well in the end.
Detox. I only read a few; never started. There was so much sketchy science based on anecdotal information that I filed all those way under "don't go there".
Intuitive Eating or Mindfulness hasn't worked for me. It was permission.
What I HAVE learned:
I don't care.
I don't care that I buy large sizes "big girl clothes" . I look nice in what I wear.
I don't care I have extra weight because I am energetic and move a LOT.
No one (except my mother or DH who learned better) has ever said, "Gee, you'd look great if you lost a few pounds". I think I look great today, yesterday and tomorrow.
I don't and never have cried about being fat, with the exception of being post-partum. It was hormonal.
I still fit in an airline seat and can comfortably tie my shoes.
What I'm still looking for:
I know I could be even more active if I weighed less.
The damage my weight has done to my joints is a given and losing pounds would only hold off those inevitable surgeries. Damage has been done. I know, I know, I know.
I'm still trying to find that ear worm that says "don't bring that home as you'll eat it all". I bring whatever it is home, without a twinge of remorse AND eat it. It's that "I don't care" again.
I have a LOT of stress. I only blog a portion. I don't need to detail what goes on that I deal with on a daily basis. Being a parent and caregiver changed me and part of my eating permission is based on those issues.
I had therapy. The therapy helped me take control of what I could and also gave me permission to let go what I couldn't. Perhaps that's the eating what I want "thing".
Spark has become my social outlet. Sure I've met a lot of nice people, some in person, whom I can think of as friends. I can boast my accomplishments and lament my losses here. I'm concerned the "social" has outweighed the purpose.
I've re-read my blogs and am disheartened I haven't changed much except my age. I deleted my first 4 years worth in a fit of self-pity of NOT accomplishing any changes in 2012 and realize I've not done much better since. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Now what do I do?