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Monday, December 16, 2019

Well, I won't lie---my goal when i started this journey was all about numbers. The numbers that summed me up and found me wanting. The numbers that condemned me to a life of hatred for my body. The numbers that broadcast to everyone who saw me, "I am Fat. I am a failure." And so I began to try to control what I put in my mouth. And that worked for a little while but eventually, after losing a little weight, it became obvious to me that the obsessions that steered my truck of self loathing was not gone but had merely detoured and was now back, dogging my steps. The scale is the enemy. Why then, do i let it dictate how I feel about myself? Would YOU let an enemy control your every move? Does that make any sense at all?

I came back to Spark People after floating around the outskirts for the past 7 or 8 years. And I knew I was in danger of using the trackers and the weighin's to further my obsessive control over every bite I take and every number I tracked. And then something amazing happened. I began to talk to Coach Beth and decided to work with her, not only to lose weight but to address all the issues behind my desire to be thin and to unmask and dis-arm the hatred I had for my body and the disparaging way I talk to myself.

-And then something else happened. I began to strive to add healthy changes into my life. I decided to "Act as if" under the premise that if I acted as though i really believed in myself; as though i wanted to do what was best for my health; as though I really cared at all about life--that somehow, God would change the "act" into something real. He would make me really care about taking care of myself. And that THIS would be what fueled my weight loss. Not self hatred. Not some kind of warped self control.

So once, when i was discouraged by a bad day of eating what was not the best food, Beth said to me, "So what healthy decisions have you made? What healthy choices have you made? What healthy behaviors have you acted out?" And as I listed for her the positive things i had been doing, that I realized that it was NOT all about food choices or amounts. It is NOT about the scale or any self-incriminating numbers on a scale. It is about LIFE. Caring about my life (and believe me, that does NOT come easily) and deciding to act in ways that are self nurturing and which bring glory and joy to God as he finally sees me begin to understand that his love for me is not dependent on what size jeans I'm wearing.

I have a long way to go...and it is longer than the 80 lbs I still wish I could lose. But the great thing is that the weight and the hate are intertwined and as I begin to deal with the hate--the weight will begin to change as well. I am beginning to be excited about how all of this will play out and how i can become healthier spiritually as well...not just by reading my Bible or memorizing verses but by understanding that I am a daughter of the King--and there are no losers in his family
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It’s all about who you want to become, and anything that isn’t that, leave out. Seize the day for the Lord! “I am here, Lord!”
    279 days ago
    Beth taught me that the inner head issues are the place to start. Body hatred. Disparaging self talk. Yes, those need to be faced first. It’s a hard inner journey at times to get to the root of why we feel that way. Read, reflect and journal. Reread, reflect and add to your journal. Your own words will lead you to understand and heal.

    Sometimes we can’t fix the ailments of our bodies. You can still change the inner landscape and find peace. My is an oasis.
    279 days ago
  • LOF7203
    Thanks for sharing
    280 days ago
    Beautifully written. It's quite the journey, isn't it? emoticon emoticon emoticon
    280 days ago
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