At the First Sign of Trouble
Thursday, December 19, 2019
I have had two nights of midnight cupboard raids. The night before last it was damage to the tune of 500 calories. Last night it was 350. There is such a thing as misusing "fresh starts." When you know you can erase the damage by forgiving yourself and moving on regardless of the destruction you have embraced...then that is what the Apostle Paul commented on "Should I continue to sin that Grace may abound?? " and his reply to his own question "May it never be!!!" Dietrich Bonhoeffer called it "cheap grace." I think in this life Monopoly game there should only be ONE "Get out of Jail Free" card. Of course God grants us more than one chance (thankfully) but somehow there must be growth with each stretch of the rules.
I love what POSITIVEHOPE had to say in response to my blog yesterday on slamming the door on temptation by shutting down the internal dialogue that we engage in when we are tempted to eat something we shouldn't. It is good advice for ANY kind of temptation. Shut down the debate and walk away from the kitchen. The longer you entertain the dialogue the more likely you are to cave under pressure. I would add to her advice this suggestion: Ask God for the strength to resist. if you are honest with him about your weakness and then high tail it away from the temptation, he will help you.
I think too that a large part of my struggle of late has been caused by eating skimpy dinners. I often am not hungry at dinner time. I will be in pain and just not want to deal with even using the microwave to make something to eat. But I find that when I do that, two hours after I am in bed and asleep...I will wake up and walk to the kitchen on the prowl for a snack. Now, if i had an apple. or some veggie and hummus, it would be one thing. But no. I go "shopping" in my husband's collection of junk food that i wish was not in the house.
So based on all this. I will plan to eat something for dinner. And if I wake and am legitimately hungry , to allow myself to eat an apple. But in terms of the junk food? IT IS NOT AN OPTION. No "Buts" lead to "no butts" lol.
In the bigger picture....I need some fresh motivation in my Spark plan. It has become ...I don't know...a dry obligation. I feel that i am failing in my pursuit of weighing less. I was at 199 and then a couple of days later (before the midnight cheating began) I went to 202. And I don't know why except to say that ALWAYS happens when I reach a new low.. I weighed again yesterday and again it was 202. And while I know that the scale is not the final word on my success or "failure"...it has gotten me feeling discouraged and tired of shadow boxing myself. I need to see progress. I need to feel a sense of victory. And I do know that the path to victory is not littered with candy wrappers! And the fact that i have allowed myself to cheat has only led to greater discouragement. It is a self perpetuating cycle that I need to break free of.
I will try to make some goals for myself that can give me a sense of accomplishment, even when the scale fails to.