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Reflections

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Over the last 40 plus years I've been on numerous diets and lost a huge amount of weight. And until menopause hit, I managed to keep most of it off. But once menopause hit, and it hit me HARD, all bets were off. In the course of a little over a year I gained 100 lbs., and then over the next 10-11 years I gained another 34 lbs, making my all time high of 274 lbs. It's taken me 2-1/2 years to lose 41 lbs. and I still would like to drop another 40 lbs., just to feel I'm in a healthier weight range than I am now.
In the first 30 years of dieting, I went about it in a very unhealthy way, and developed an eating disorder that took me years to break away from (bulimia). But all I cared about at the time was getting the weight off, no matter what I had to do to do it. But I finally broke the habit of bulimia for the most part, but find it very easy to fall back into the outer lines of it if I'm not careful. Things like using fluid pills to help me get the weight down. Unless they are doctor's orders, no one should use fluid pills. It can cause severe dehydration and can bring on muscle cramps and a slew of other things. I know this first hand yet at times I still do it. Not good, but it's something I'm breaking myself of.
I think back to when I first started dieting and even though I was bigger than I should have been, my health over all was good. Extremely good, and I could do most anything I set out to do. And even though I did lose all the weight I wanted to lose, it took very little time for me to regain all the weight plus add on another 25 lbs. to what my all time high had been all those years ago. So in the end, I made a complete circle. And in all those years, not one day has gone by that I was truly happy over how I looked. There was ALWAYS something I could improve on. Thinking about it now just makes me sad.
These days my focus is mainly on trying to just get a little healthier so I can do away with the blood pressure pills. I realized though last night that it's really not my "diet" or "weight" that has caused the blood pressure issues; it's the stress I live in right now, and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. So I've got to come up with ways to de-stress that's easy for me to do. So it's something I'm going to be working on.
Am I going to stop trying to lose weight- NO! But I am going to stop living and breathing diet. I'm going to stop making my size my whole life; worrying about what I'm going to eat or not eat, what movement I'm going to be able to get in each day. All that just adds to the stress level and I can do without it.
From here on out, I'm going to just do the best I can each day to eat in a manner that works best for me, and make the best of each day as it comes. I'm not going to make any long term plans. Just focus on each day and make it as good as I can, and work to bring more joy into my life. When I think about the last 40 plus years, It makes me sad that I allowed myself to put myself thru all that hell just to be under a certain number on a scale. And my health has surely suffered from it. NEVER AGAIN !
Live your life to the fullest, regardless of what size you happen to be. Don't regret years of your life where you tried to be someone or some size you were never meant to be. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have lived a much happier life.
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