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My Adventures in Spark Land...Day 196 of Doing the New: Candy tasted icky, finding emotions, & heali

Saturday, February 15, 2020

"You are free to choice, but you are not free from the consequence of your choices."

emoticon I am very grateful for the book 'The path to wholeness' by Carol Tuttle I got at the library. Every since my son was born, I have felt I was going crazy. As I read this book, quit often I will stop and reread parts. As I reread parts, I realize I am not crazy, I am or was going through a healing process. This is huge for me to understand. She refers to another book that she learned from that I found a local library has that I will read after this. I didn't know there was stages of healing. One stage the author talked about is showing emotions. I was only allowed to show happy emotions. I have been shedding tons of tears without knowing why these last few days. I watched Toy Story 4 and cried and cried. Then I realized last night I am beginning to show emotions I was never allowed to feel! Yes, I am also beginning to giggled during a TV show or movie. I have verbally cheered while watching a movie with my son during winter break and my son looked at me like my parent's use to and said 'You realize this is a movie don't you?" just like my parent's use to. We lived in a school district where the parents and their extended families never cheered at a school activity. My married brother who now lives 45 minutes away even commented how odd it was. I am finding myself cheering for myself when I win at a game of solitaire! I am so grateful for these emotions!

emoticon My new yesterday shocked me. I got my favorite Valentine's candies. They are not chocolates. And when I eat one, I felt like I was eating dish soap! It tasted awful to me. I kept tasting them though out the day and each time my mouth went 'icky'! Wow-my taste buds are changing! Yes, this is a good thing! The emotions are new also! Also I've been doing visualize healing which is new for me also.

emoticon I love that I am emotional strong. When my son was in 6th grade, a social work came to my parent's house. My dad talked to me and about me like he always did and my mom made her normal excuses. A few days later the social worker came here. I was almost ill thinking of all the stuff my mom would say to me that I imagined this lady saying to me, To my shock, she asked me if I was okay. Then she explained the way my dad talked to me was verbal and emotional abuse. It was not okay to talk to me like that. I was shocked! After my mom died, and they placed my dad into a home, I again was shocked when my dad talked to the staff how he talked to me and the staff told my son and I that it was not okay for my dad to talk like that. I got to the point where I was unable to sleep Friday nights so I would be too tired Saturdays to go see my Dad. This hurt my son a lot. I had spend most of my life being verbally and emotional abuse and didn't even know it. I knew other father's didn't talk to their kids the way my Dad talked to me. My mom told me all fathers talked to their kids this way in the privacy of their homes so I felt it was okay to allowed others to talk to me like that also. Now that I understand my mom was wrong, dad was wrong to talk to me and treat me like he did. I realize am emotionally stronger then I give myself credit for.

Onward to day 197 of Doing the new!
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