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"go bang your head against the wall"

Thursday, March 19, 2020

I remember when I was a very young girl and I would tell my mom that I was bored, she would tell me that her father used to tell her to "go bang her head against the wall" LOL. I've also heard the very wise, "go play in traffic" LOL.

As an adult, sure, I have long days, but not too many are truly what I would call boring. Boring to me as a seasoned adult means peaceful. Not the usual stress and strain. I sort of LIKE "boring".

These are not boring times, though. My husband has shut down the office as advised by the powers that be in New York. We don't have the luxury or opportunity to "work from home".... and it will hurt us. But I have decided to make this period in time where we are forced to isolate, a time of deep emotional and physical healing. I am worried about many things, as we all are. Yet I want to tell my body, "it is well with my soul".

I'm a little embarrassed to share this, but yesterday one of the knuckles on my right hand was swollen and red and I could only close my hand halfway (today is much better). I looked at my hand with a crazily deep amount of compassion that came from nowhere. I gave my knuckle a little kiss, like a Mama would kiss the hurt knee of her child. Something inside me learned what I needed, as I journey on with this RA diagnosis. I need to love my body. I need to love even the hurting parts rather than fearing them. I have been so afraid.

I had hated and been afraid of my body for most of my life, feeding it to shut up my damaged spirit. It is a miracle, how far I have come these past couple of years. It is amazing to want to LOVE the same body that has literally turned against me, since RA is an auto immune disorder where the body is essentially fighting itself.

We all have a war within us, I think. We can fight the war with blame and judgment and self hatred. We can fight the war with love and peace and compassion. Either way, we are WARRIORS. For me, the blame and judgment and self hatred did not give me victory.

Love, peace, compassion.

That is the trifecta I'm betting my life on. Change your thoughts, and change your life.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DEE797
    Thanks for sharing with us. Loved the picture/saying of Kindness.
    54 days ago
    Beautiful story, and I'm glad you shared it. Thank you. You have hit the nail on the head. Most of our problems can be traced to a lack of love, in this case a lack of love for ourselves. I've always associated self-love with "love of my inner self, thoughts and feelings" (impossible!), but never with love of body, as you describe here. This coronavirus crisis, though, has given me new perspective. The other day I watched a video of how the virus invades and how the body fights back against the invader. It usually crushes the enemy after a painful or not-so-painful battle, but sometimes overreacts, attacks its own tissues, creates chaos, and causes death. Paying attention to that video gave me an epiphany. I can't ever remember appreciating my body as much as that video made me appreciate it. All this time, I've been encased in this...machine? vehicle? suit?..made just for me, bestowed on me to keep my soul in the world to do God's work. We should love this gift and be grateful for it. And this gets harder as we get old and our whole bodies start to hurt. So I thank you for your attitude of love and gratitude for your body--even for pain! I want to emulate that!
    65 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/29/2020 12:33:13 AM
  • SHARON10002
    What a nice blog! Your soul has definitely evolved in response to all of your "hard work" physically and emotionally. You have accepted what YOU have needed, and now you are able to love your body even as it attacks you! That is definitely compassionate! I have come to love boring too - I think more people should "choose" to embrace it.
    67 days ago
    It is amazing to me that you weren't able to love you, you are one of the most loveable people I know! It doesn't matter from the outside though does it? We have to learn that on the inside. I'm glad you are getting to know how great we all think you are.
    68 days ago
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    72 days ago
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    72 days ago
  • FRANKIE2019
    I love your blog. It's hard being normal when life is not normal. I also have an autoimmune disorder that causes me to be in pain most days. If I stay busy I do not notice it as much. I also tell myself It is well with my soul too. Thanks for sharing. Praying things will be back to normal so many people are hurting now. I hope parents are not letting their children watch the news. It's depressing for me. Hope you and your family stay well. emoticon
    73 days ago
    How I love the fact that you kissed the boo boo ! Well done ! Like a hug and kiss from the Lord ! We are created in His image ! Stay well and eat well for your body’s sake
    73 days ago
  • BERRY4
    emoticon I understand the financial impact. I've been laid off indefinitely. emoticon
    And yes, learning from the situation is a positive that we can all apply.
    73 days ago
    Good morning, Sue. I love how you kissed your knuckle. I did that to my hand when I fell and broke it. You are right! I will pray for you and your husband. I'm sorry! God bless your time that his business is closed.

    Lots of Texas HUGS today.
    Take care today and this weekend.
    Thinking of you my friend.
    emoticon emoticon
    73 days ago
    I am sorry you aren't able to go about your business right now. Dang! I will be so glad when this is over.I love your attitude btw! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    74 days ago
    Thanks for the caring message to all of us during these times..
    Loving thoughts, love & prayers you & family stay well! emoticon emoticon
    74 days ago
    Sending you strength and peace during this difficult time.
    74 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    74 days ago
    I remember when we were kids, we never said to our mom that we were bred because she had all kinds of unpleasant jobs to do.
    74 days ago
    I prefer boring, and I find your kiss brave. I don't know if that would occur to me, but now I have a resource. Thank you, and I'm glad your pain is reduced today.
    74 days ago
    All of us need love and compassion. In the past I have been angry at my body for getting weaker, slower, more painful. etc but I am trying to love my body as I age. Needing help is a blessing I can give to the younger as they learn compassion and love helping those of us who are weaker. Blessings be on all our body parts today and everyday.
    74 days ago
    74 days ago
    You're a very wise woman. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
    74 days ago
    I am reading the book "The Courage to Heal". The chapter I just read focused on loving your bodies. I felt the same way as you did about my body and was not even aware of it. Your blog, almost goes hand and hand with the book!
    74 days ago
    Bravely said... and no need to be embarrassed! Being vulnerable is to risk being surprised by your own strength! We should do everything we do out of love, and never from hate, fear or shame.

    P.S. A book you may enjoy right now is 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp! All about healing those deepest wounds in the most loving and gentle way!
    74 days ago
    Hated boring when I was young, LOVE boring now that I’m a seasoned adult (LOVE that term!)

    Awwwww, Sue, I think that’s absolutely SWEET that you kissed your knuckle. IT is just what you needed! Love and compassion.

    Love, peace and compassion . . . definitely the best fixes for the war inside, whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual.

    Wishing you luck as you take this journey (unasked journey) w/RA.

    74 days ago
    That was a beautiful moment with your knuckle!

    Wonderful blog!

    Take good care!

    74 days ago
  • BEDA65
    Prayers and positive energy, dear lady.

    I think it very sweet you kissed your painful knuckle. And I'm glad to hear you have had the change of thought to think to embrace your reality rather than fear it.

    Just think of all the babies that are going to come from this. Every time there's days of no electricity in winter and people stay in, there's always a baby boom. Can you imagine the boom across the country after all this self isolating.
    Many people be going boom, chicka boom boom. Lol!

    Just trying to lighten the mood. Hope I made you laugh... emoticon
    74 days ago
    Thank you for a beautiful message, Sue. May love, peace and kindness win in the end! emoticon
    74 days ago
    No need to be embarrassed be proud that you talk about it and help others understand wishing you the best of life
    74 days ago
    74 days ago
    No need to be embarrassed by the kiss. I thank various parts of my body all the time. It is sweet and healing.
    74 days ago
    I prefer boring too. Challenges create opportunities for personal growth though. We can turn this into a positive. I think we will come out stronger in the end.
    74 days ago
  • RENEE7575
    74 days ago
  • 1BLAZER282005
    Prayers for your health Sue. You're not silly I've kissed boo boos on my hand to. I had a form of RA but it just went away. I understand the pain you have. The Great Physician is right beside you. Hugs and Happy Spring
    74 days ago
    A beautiful message for all of us. Hugs and thank you.
    74 days ago
    74 days ago
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