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The Struggle

Saturday, April 18, 2020

This week has been a tough one. It's been a struggle.

I've slipped, even when I was trying so hard. Over the last couple days, I've logged into SP just enough to keep my log-in and tracking streaks. But I've been distracted from the feeds and my friends.

I didn't work out, not even yoga, most of this week. Yoga feels amazing, but even the walk has been hard on my joints. My left hip is out (and will be until H is born and things get back in place) and to overcompensate for the slight limp I'll have for the next 13 weeks or so, my right knee has been sore. Which makes many workouts hard right now. Though, I am trying to stay active as much as I can with house work and shorter workouts. I want to work on my upper body strength, though in the coming weeks.

The only thing I've kept up on 100% is my morning meditation sessions. I'm on an 18-day streak. Tomorrow, I break my previous longest streak.

That's not what's got me down the most, though.

This time of year will always be a little tough. Today marks one year since my 2nd miscarriage. It was my 3rd loss in just under a year.

Next Friday, our first angel baby, Sloane, will turn two. In October, just six months (a day short) after her birth, we miscarried twins. On vacation. On the way back to our rental from Legoland. It's so scary being away from everyone and not knowing what to do, knowing there's nothing you CAN do.

I've been thinking about this day for most of the month. It's the first in an eleven day streak of... things.

See, five days after Sloane's birthday, her youngest older sister turns 8 and our wedding anniversary is also the anniversary of her death.

I'm not trying to be all self-pity. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't want any poor me. Just understanding that my normal cheerful and helpful self may be a little distant in the coming weeks. I've already been through the worst of it, but the memories are hard some times.

The other day, the boys got a new dirt bike. I had a momentary lapse in judgement and sent their dad off to buy a brand new 2020, no-hours-on-the-engine, 4-stroke dirt bike. Today, we're taking them out to a friend's track to ride around before they head out on the trails. I'm looking forward to actually seeing them ride and getting some pictures.

We started some seeds yesterday. I got some new strawberry plants in pots. And I put up some house plants. Slowly creating a forest inside my house.

Tomorrow, I reset.

Tomorrow, I get back to a workout routine that doesn't frustrate me. I'm going to focus these next 12-ish weeks (because all m babies are about a week early) on my upper body strength. My legs are pretty tough as it is, they could just use a slim down, but my upper body strength is a little lacking.

I'm going to work on making better food choices. Though, there will be cake and I will eat it. Now that our stores are starting to get restocked, and I just have to get there a little early to get things like the big box of eggs or flour, I need to focus on getting the right nutrition again. Not just feeding the family.

We've got it this week, SparkFam!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Just keep showing up. Upper body strength is a worthy enterprise. Way to go with the meditation practice. Important time to honor your family, and all you've been going through. Stay strong! emoticon
    274 days ago
  • LIS193
    274 days ago
    I understand where you are coming from. It's not a seeking pity thing, but just understand where I am coming from. Been there, done that. And I for sure know how hard anniversaries of sad events are. You sound like you are on the right track. So keep on keeping on! You can do this!!!
    275 days ago
    You are a very strong person! The struggles are real! You can do this!
    275 days ago
    Yes the struggle is real, but you are important, so do it every day.
    275 days ago
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