Saturday, May 02, 2020
Well, as you saw in my last post that I was not in a good headspace. And although I could clearly discern the jeopardy I was in....i didn't pull out of my tailspin before there was damage. The real wakeup call was when the scale registered three pounds higher than it had been...and I STILL didn't wake up until my eating was out of control. I did not weigh myself for the past two days because I couldn't face the bad news. And finally, i listened to my own cries for help. Because you see I am the ONLY one with the power to respond to those calls. So yesterday I tracked. Meticulously. When bedtime rolled around I had somewhere around 500 calories left to spare....and a good thing too because that is the amount I ate at night.
Now, two asides here:
1) I know all about how bad night time eating is. I have an eating disorder: Nighttime Eating Syndrome--see the prior blog by that name.
2) I don't sleep well. I am usually up for 8 hours after I wake in the early part of the night. You really DO need to eat during a span that long.And that is especially true since I do not eat much all day. I need to work on eating some healthier foods. I don't have anything in the house that is UNhealthy except for some Grooves snack crackers. These crackers are not a bingefood for me. I can eat a handful and leave it at that. My husband has some Breyer's ice cream which he said I could have some....so I had a half cup or less of that. Plus I deliberately ate a small handful of dry roast edamame because I needed a little more protein. Not terrible...but it used up that 500 I had to spare. So I came in at a hair over 1200 calories. It's a start.
I'm not going to weigh myself for maybe another two days. I meet with Beth on Monday, so I will weigh myself that day for the record. I do feel an internal shift. A re-connection mentally and emotionally. I was thinking in terms of my weight goals. Another 30 lbs would make me feel a lot better. I so much wish I was able to get some muscle tone to lose some inches of flabbiness. Another 30 lbs would be 156 lbs. --I think I would aim for 150 lbs.That would put me within reach of the 140 # BMI that designates a "normal" weight. No more OBESE and no more OVERWEIGHT!!! Yes I think that really needs to be my goal. That would be a total of 96 lbs lost! It's a bit overwhelming to think about numbers that large. It seems impossible. But the truth is that the hardest part is behind me: getting started and getting over that 200# hurdle. I think for right now my goal will be to get to 175. That's another 11 lbs. It seems like a lot because I am not working from any momentum...just seeking damage recovery and control. But I can do it...(spoken with some uncertainty.) I WILL do it. (that's better).