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I WILL!

Saturday, May 02, 2020

Well, as you saw in my last post that I was not in a good headspace. And although I could clearly discern the jeopardy I was in....i didn't pull out of my tailspin before there was damage. The real wakeup call was when the scale registered three pounds higher than it had been...and I STILL didn't wake up until my eating was out of control. I did not weigh myself for the past two days because I couldn't face the bad news. And finally, i listened to my own cries for help. Because you see I am the ONLY one with the power to respond to those calls. So yesterday I tracked. Meticulously. When bedtime rolled around I had somewhere around 500 calories left to spare....and a good thing too because that is the amount I ate at night.

Now, two asides here:
1) I know all about how bad night time eating is. I have an eating disorder: Nighttime Eating Syndrome--see the prior blog by that name.
2) I don't sleep well. I am usually up for 8 hours after I wake in the early part of the night. You really DO need to eat during a span that long.And that is especially true since I do not eat much all day. I need to work on eating some healthier foods. I don't have anything in the house that is UNhealthy except for some Grooves snack crackers. These crackers are not a bingefood for me. I can eat a handful and leave it at that. My husband has some Breyer's ice cream which he said I could have some....so I had a half cup or less of that. Plus I deliberately ate a small handful of dry roast edamame because I needed a little more protein. Not terrible...but it used up that 500 I had to spare. So I came in at a hair over 1200 calories. It's a start.

I'm not going to weigh myself for maybe another two days. I meet with Beth on Monday, so I will weigh myself that day for the record. I do feel an internal shift. A re-connection mentally and emotionally. I was thinking in terms of my weight goals. Another 30 lbs would make me feel a lot better. I so much wish I was able to get some muscle tone to lose some inches of flabbiness. Another 30 lbs would be 156 lbs. --I think I would aim for 150 lbs.That would put me within reach of the 140 # BMI that designates a "normal" weight. No more OBESE and no more OVERWEIGHT!!! Yes I think that really needs to be my goal. That would be a total of 96 lbs lost! It's a bit overwhelming to think about numbers that large. It seems impossible. But the truth is that the hardest part is behind me: getting started and getting over that 200# hurdle. I think for right now my goal will be to get to 175. That's another 11 lbs. It seems like a lot because I am not working from any momentum...just seeking damage recovery and control. But I can do it...(spoken with some uncertainty.) I WILL do it. (that's better).

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DETERMINED369
    Getting back on track is as hard as starting! I'm glad you're here sharing. I hope all the weight loss has given you some relief from the pain also. Keep on pushing to get to your goals, but more so just keep loving yourself like God does and the rest of us, too. Take care emoticon
    215 days ago
  • RO2BENT
    Patience and persistence
    215 days ago
  • EISSA7
    Glad that you are feeling more positive...keep showing up and doing what you know works best for you...
    You will do it! emoticon
    215 days ago
  • THROOPER62
    emoticon
    216 days ago
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