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Back at 335 lbs

Wednesday, May 06, 2020

Well, it’s official, I have gotten all the way back up to 335 lbs. I weighed myself a couple mornings ago. It took the quarantine to push me the rest of the way back up, since I have lived on the couch since this all started and there’s nothing to do but eat. However, I cannot blame the stay at home order, I can only blame myself. Nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to get re-addicted to fried chicken, tater tots, ice cream and Mt. Dew. That’s all on me and only me. I feel much worse now than I did before I lost the massive amounts of weight in 2014, physically. I have a ton more pain in my feet and ankles and lower back. My right hip is shot and any amount of standing makes it hurt. This ends any possibly of ever having a job again because I can’t possible endure the agonizing pain from standing 8 hours a day. I have constant acid reflux, indigestion and heartburn and I have to get up during the middle of the night every single night to eat a handful of antacids thanks to what I eat. The Bartholin’s gland cysts have returned (Google it). My feet and hands are always swollen and the skin always hurts from all the stretching. I have absolutely no energy and I only take 2 showers a week now, if I’m lucky, and I always stink really bad and look greasy and horrible. I’ve gone from 3X shirts to 4X shirts and up to size 28 pants. I can’t wear a bra anymore because I’m too huge for any of the ones I have to fit. I ordered 2 in the right size from Amazon on April 15th, but I guess they’re not getting shipped until they damn well feel like it, so I’m just Mrs. Disgusting Floppy Tits all the time. My face is all bloated and humongous. I am deeply ashamed of myself. I know my family is, too. They don’t have to say so, I know it. Maybe not my parents so much, but my grandpa and aunts and uncles for sure. When I was losing weight in 2014 they were all wild and crazy with all the praise they were throwing at me. As soon as I started gaining it back everything went crickets. I know they talk bad about me behind my back because I got fat again, because I hear them doing it to other members of our family. My grandpa called my cousin, “big, fat and slobby,” behind her back. Well, I’m just as fat as she is now, so...yeah. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get under control again, and if I do, I’m sure to fail before all the weight is lost and gain is back again. It’s happened just like that 3 times in my life. I’m severely addicted to salt and sugar, as bad as cocaine and crack addicts. No, therapy won’t help. I’ll talk to a therapist and then run home and binge on fried chicken and ice cream as fast as I can. I know myself too well. Well, like I said, this is absolutely nobody’s fault but my own. I’m also sick of spending my whole life having anxiety over food and my weight, but if I just say screw it like another one of my cousins did, I’ll see 600 lbs in no time. Ugh! Life is no fun when all you ever do is worry about how fat you are and how bad you need to be skinny and how you’re a bad person because of the things you eat and how you’re a bad person for not exercising every single day. 😞
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    Keep on pushing
    297 days ago
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